Love, Taylor | TS

Forty-One

okay... well.... hopefully this explains some more 😬😬😬

———

December 2008

The day after Christmas, Nana dropped a postcard on the kitchen table while I was having coffee.

I knew who it was from before turning it around. There was only one person who would send me a postcard.

"Is she not in town this Christmas?" Nana asked me. "You haven't gone out to see her since you got back."

I shrugged. I didn't tell her we had fought. I couldn't tell her why, either. Nana didn't know then that I was queer.

"Yeah, she's busy. I don't know," I muttered while turning it over. I wanted to rip it up without reading it but more than that, I wanted to know what she had to say. We hadn't exactly talked in two months. Before that, we had never gone for more than a day without at least texting. 

Dear Rory,
I'm sorry about what I said.
I'm leaving for LA in two days.
Can we talk before then, please?
We can just drive around as usual.
I don't know how to do this if
you're upset with me.
Call me please. I'm staying at my
parents' house.
Love, Taylor

It made me feel like vomiting to read the words Love, Taylor. She had made it crystal clear that she didn't love me. But I was still hurting and no matter what I did, I couldn't get over her. I still loved her. It was especially hard when the whole world was talking about her and her new album all the time. I never listened to it, though. I couldn't myself to do it just yet.

Cas had suggested that I try to move on with someone else. That it might be fun. I tried to go out with Maya again but I couldn't. I couldn't do it. I couldn't kiss her. I couldn't hold her hand. When she went for it, I actually flinched. I thought I had everything figured out, finally, but now I wasn't so sure anymore.

Sometimes, I would wish I wasn't bi because at least then, I never would have fallen for Taylor. At least then, it wouldn't matter that I couldn't have her because I wouldn't want her. Not that way. I still could have had her in my life. It wouldn't have hurt to be her friend.

"Be right back," I muttered, leaving my coffee on the table before running upstairs to my room.

I still knew the number to her parents' house by heart. I used to call it so often that it was just muscle memory at this point.

"Hellooo?" It was Austin who picked up the phone. I stayed quiet for a while, debating whether I should just hang up or ask him to pass the phone to Taylor; he beat me to it though. I forgot Caller I.D. was a thing. They had those wireless phones for their landline that had the option to save contacts in it. "Rory, helloooooo?"

"Yeah, hi, Austin. Sorry, I must have—"

"Taaaaaaaylooooooooooooor," he shouted so loud I had to hold my phone away. "It's for you."

"Who is it?" she asked a second later.

"Rory," Austin told her and handed her the phone. I could hear Taylor's breathing on the other end of the line but she remained quiet.

Eventually, I got frustrated first. "Look, if you don't have anything to say, just stop trying to contact me."

"Wait, Rory. I... Are you busy this afternoon?"

Not particularly busy. But I didn't want her to know that. "Why?"

"Can we go get some coffee somewhere? Please, just— I need to see you."