Without People

I. Today, Tomorrow, The following days...

I can't sleep. All I can think about is... everything. And there's no way back. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. Sunday 10th of March 2024... I haven't slept, so can I call it the next day? Technically, it is the next day ever since the clock hits midnight, but for me, it's still yesterday. Therefore, it's 3 hours past midnight of the 9th of March, 2024. And what am I doing? Talking to myself while looking at the ceiling of my rented mobile home that I need to return soon.

  Anyway, I'm wide awake, and I swear I haven't drank any coffee since 10 a.m. Besides the anxiety that leaves me restless, I think the main reason for my long lasting insomnia might be the stress I put myself in for these past few days. I talk to my Mum every day on the phone, and a couple days ago, she asked me what I was planning on doing this year. She said that if I wanted to go to college, I'd better start applying soon, or I'd loose all the placements. I was aware of that, I just never thought time would've went by so quickly, and now worrying about my future became my full-time job. Or maybe it's always been like that.

  College... I'm not much of a school person... I'm an adventurer, a natural explorer. Early into my teenage years I used to spend hours on google maps exploring and learning about the places I wished I would visit one day. I've got hundreds or thousands of spots saved on my google account, and I've only been to a few dozens of them. And now they're asking me to stop? To stand by? To go back? To unlearn everything while they tell me I'm learning?

  Okay, maybe it isn't that bad, I might be overreacting... I will go. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? It's not like life's been so good out here that the last thing I want is to be back... But I'll go under my conditions. I'll apply to colleges from all over Europe, and only one in Portugal . This way I'd be happy because I could still explore foreign countries and get even more into their societies and different cultures, and my family would also be content because I'd be doing what they think is the only way to live a good and financially sufficient life... And we're not going to discuss that.

  I'm up now. I'd make tea to help me sleep, but I'd probably throw up from how much I hate tea, so I'm making hot chocolate, even though it's considered a winter drink.

  I'm in France but, honestly, nowhere at the moment. What if I studied here? My French is good, to a certain level... How would I do? Where would I go? Don't think too much about it, Cindy. I have no idea where I'm going, and until I do, I won't think about it. The  fewer expectations, the fewer disappointments.

  I turn on my phone. No calls. No texts. Maybe it's for the best. Let's also not think about that. I tell myself. Don't open Tiktok or Instagram. Don't waste hours watching mostly useless videos nonstop. But if I don't, I'll just keep thinking and God knows when the thinking will stop... What I'm thinking now is that my social life went from zero do negative since I left Portugal. Well, except for that one night... How can what I'm living be my dream, if I feel like I'm not living it? I'm being so ungrateful right now... Meanwhile, my hot chocolate is ready. I sip it and it's hot. That's how it's supposed to be, I mean, it's in its name. I take the mug to my mouth and slowly drink what's inside, trying not to burn my lips or tongue. I really didn't need this drink, I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut. I'm always stuffing food in or throwing careless words out... I should really start trying to regain control over myself...

  I sat by the little table, opened my laptop computer and connected it to the cheap internet I bought before leaving for the road. I opened google and spent a couple hours searching for colleges in Europe.

  My body is warm from drinking hot chocolate. I close the laptop, get up and wash the mug. I get in bed and close my eyes, feeling the relief of being (almost) sure about what I want to do from now on. Tomorrow, or later today (technically) I will call my mom and tell her that I applied to many colleges from all over Europe that do exchange programs. I'm not excited, but I'm happy. I have no idea what path my life will take from now on, but that's what makes it kind of fun, right?

*

  Bonjour, world. I got in!? I got in! Paris (in a French accent), get ready! In less than three months you will have to deal with me! Although... I can't quite believe the only colleges I got in were the one in Lisbon and the one in Paris... Am I that unworthy? I thought I'd have more to chose from... But, oh my God, are you kidding? PARIS! I mean Paris is probably one of the hardest locations, and I'm guessing I'm one in a million of those who tried to get in... I'm lucky! But... what if I don't fit in? Well, whatever. What matters is the studies. Stop overthinking. At least your only option isn't to be back home, and that's a good start.

  Oh my god. I haven't really thought about this. Am I going to be able to learn Psychology in French? I don't even know if I would understand it in Portuguese... Is this even the right course? Oh my God! Will I spend all three years here? Should I try only the first semester and then... Then what? I shouldn't worry about this, but the uncertainty is killing me! Oh my God, where will I stay? At campus? With what money? Or at this mobile home? But I made a deal with the owners that I would return it in the end of this summer... Should I find a host family? And stay at some strangers' house?! Who even does that anymore? Especially college students?! Although, I could stay anywhere really... Right now, I'm desperate.

  I need a break. It's already June. I have to head back to Portugal to return the van... I have to leave... You shouldn't have everything planned that far ahead, Cindy. What have you learned from all these years, all those books, all those movies and people who were here to teach you stuff so you would grow up for once! If I have to grow up and start planning and making my life, and become an adult, why does it seem like I am not able to? What is wrong with me? There's the main reason I picked psychology. It's self-explainable, unlike what goes on in my mind.

  Breathe. Inhale, exhale. And again. Count to ten. Ok. Get up. Grab a glass of water. Drink up. Sit back. You're going to be alright.