All too well

Chapter one

Lilly

"Damn it!" I groaned and bent down to pick up my brown leather bag and the scattered stuff that poured out of it when it crashed on the ground.

It was my first day at this new school and I was probably gonna be late... Great! I don't wanna cry at all. That is a lie... I hurried off the ground and started walking again. It was September and fall was slowly starting. I had always loved fall. It's just so pretty. The green leaves turning different shades of brown and red, the soft wind always caressing our faces... The smell, the feeling, halloween, the color scheeme, the pumpkins... All of it.

As I crossed the street, my foot splashed into a puddle I hadn't seen. Fuck! This is great! What a great first day! Can anyone have worse luck? I don't think it's fucking possible! I wanted to scream, but just tightened my grip on the hot coffee I sipped. The one I had picked up on the way, to calm my nerves. After a few minutes of walking and hoping, wishing that I wouldn't be late, I walked into school with literally thirty seconds to spare. With the bell ringing in my ears, I looked around like I was stuck in the middle of a moving carousel that wouldn't stop turning, the other students walking, running, talking around me. I had no idea where to go and as I awkwardly stood there, all types of students made their way to their respective classes. Some hurried down the hall and others walked slow like they just didn't care. My brown hair fell in front of my eyes, getting stuck in my glasses as fiddled with my fingers and sighed. I was too nervous to ask for help and no one seemed to want to give it to me. Well I guess I'm gonna be late...

I was always ignored by people. Never had any friends and since I was a good student, even teachers kind of forgot I existed. I mean, I didn't blame them, I was always too nervous around people and hated speaking in front of crowds. I really thought that moving would help out, like in movies and books, you know? New city, new beginning, new me. But it's not like that at all. I managed to find my class and wasn't that late, but no one paid attention to me. I was used to it, but it was still annoying, and it still kind of stung. Seeing everyone talk to their friends and get along while I hadn't spoken out loud in more than two hours. The teacher didn't even ask me to present myself, which, I was kind of grateful for, because like I said, speaking in crowds is not my thing. So I spent all morning listening in class, envying the friend groups and stressing about lunch and where I was going to sit. The bustling, buzzing, electric crowd around me was acting like I wasn't there at all. Buy maybe it was better that way.

And so, when lunch came around, I grabbed a sandwich and made my way outside of the building to eat under a tree, like I did in my last school. I used to hide too, hoping they wouldn't find me. Hoping she wouldn't. I didn't have the energy to try and make friends. Not yet. People looked too engulfed in their own thing to pay attention to me.

The outside of the building was kind of like a park for students for when they didn't have class, and I thought it was a really cute area. Everyone was inside the cafeteria, so I had the whole place to myself. The bright green leaves of the tree I was leaning on were moving with the wind and I took a nice deep breath.

So, I still haven't talked to anyone and it's been aproximatively four hours. I guess it's gonna be harder than I thought...

The bell rang and I sighed, again, standing up and picking up my bag to head inside. It still felt like summer outside, there weren't any red leaves yet and I couldn't wait till the true autumn started. When it was cold enough to see the fog but not as cold as winter. I thought that maybe the afternoon was the right time to talk to people. I wanted to feel seen and stop being a ghost for once. That want went away as soon as I walked into the room full of students, all as judgey as the other. After a bit of panicked hesitation, I settled on a seat in the back, like always. Because I sat in the back, new teachers always thought I was a troublemaker who didn't even know how to write and slept the whole time, but I always surprised them with good marks.

"Hey!" I looked up from my notebook, surprised someone had talked to me. "Hey. I'm Lilly." I said, happy and grateful someone had finally started a conversation. The blond guy shrugged and rolled his hazelnut eyes as my smile slowly faded. "I don't give a fuck. Can you just give this to Taylor? She's the girl in front of you." He gave me a note and turned back towards his friends, laughing. Well, that was not fucking nice at all! I guess it wasn't the first interaction I was hoping for. I sighed and tapped on Taylor's shoulder. She turned around and smiled at me, her deep blue eyes burning into mine. Well at least there's one nice person here! I gave her the note and she thanked me before turning back. She had blond hair and the brightest smile. She was the first one in this school to actually smile at me. She looks really nice...

I walked back home in the rain, exhausted by this day. No one really talked to me, except for the occasional "Hello", but at least I didn't get killed. I inhaled the fresh smell of late, late summer and closed my eyes for a second before opening the wooden front door I wasn't really familiar with yet. "Hey, I'm home!" I announced to the probably empty house. Nelly rushed through the door though and I kneeled to scratch her belly, my wet hair sticking to my forehead. Nelly was the sweetest dog alive, and was probably the only one in the house. "Hey girl! Where are mom and dad?" She whined and tilted her head, confusion running behind her brown eyes. "Right, you probably don't understand me." In spite of that, I felt like she was the only one who truly knew me. Apart from my annoying older sister Tara. But she moved away to college last year, abandoning me, and I missed her so much. The English setter licked my sweater and my nose scrunched at the sight of her pink tongue. My fingers brushed her fluffy head and I walked towards the kitchen to grab an apple before making my way to my new room, always followed by Nelly like a shadow as she hoped to get a piece. I yawned and sat at my desk. First day and already have homework that half the class isn't gonna do... My gaze moved from my textbooks to my furry friend's eyes. "I guess I better get started then..."

"So how was your day Ly?" I shrugged as I bit into my broccoli. "Fine." My mom frowned as my dad continued to eat in silence, eyesbfocused on his plate. "Are you having a hard time getting friends again?" I knew she was just trying to understand, but I was tired and already lonely, but still hoping I'd get better. "It was fine mom. Except for that one jerk in my history class, everything's good. I promise. I'll make friends soon enough." She nodded and dove into her plate again. My parents were great, I loved them and I knew they loved me. They were so supportive when I came out as bi last year, but right now, I just wanted to be left alone. I was constantly scared and nervous about being alone this year again. I knew I wouldn't be able to take it. I've never really had any friends and I was so scared. All I really wanted was a true friend, a person I could trust. And that was human, sorry Nelly.

That night I had trouble falling asleep. Writting in my notebook to calm my nerves, my mind wandered to the girl I had passed the note to. Taylor. I thought that maybe I could talk to her the next day. She was the only one nice enough to actually look at me and not pretend I was invisible. Though I did make it easy by blending into the background. But it's not like I could decide to suddenly be an extrovert. And though I hated it, people just made me so nervous. But I knew that as soon as people got to know me, I was fun and kind. It was the "get to know me" part that made me want to hide in a cave in the woods and never come out. Like, literally never. But with a little help, I knew I could do it. I just had to stay hopeful.