Uncharted Hearts

Chapter One

Beep. Beep. Beep. I turned my alarm off and groaned, squinting at the display. It was 7:00 AM. I slowly looked around my bedroom: The wrinkled comforter I was cocooned in; the neatly-organized desk against the opposite wall; the fresh, 12-month calendar... The date was January 2, 2012 and its box read "First Day of School" in red Sharpie. My stomach clenched at the thought.

"Blllaaakkkeee! Are you awake?" I groaned again but pushed back the covers. "Yes mom!" I selected a pair of jeans, a long-sleeved burnt orange shirt, and a pair of black Converse from my closet. Then I crossed the hall to the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth, pausing to study my reflection. With short brown hair, hazel eyes, ivory skin, and a thin frame, I was average. Not ugly enough to be bullied for my appearance but not attractive enough to draw attention for it. The outfit I had carefully selected was casual and comfortable, and it shouldn't draw attention either.

I walked into the kitchen as my mother was filling a travel mug with coffee. "Good morning sweetie." I gave her a peck on the cheek and stood at the table, my hands gripping the back of its chair. "Do you want breakfast? We have..." I interrupted her with, "I'm not hungry." She smiled at me but it was strained. "Are you nervous?" I shook my head but it was a lie. She knew it was a lie. "I am sure it will be fine sweetie. It is a chance for you to start over, to have a fresh start."

"Exactly. I will keep my head down and focus on my schoolwork this time," I assured her. She winced. "I hope you know how much I love and support you..." She trailed into silence before adding, "But I hate the idea of hiding a part of yourself and holding everyone at arm's length... I wish I could have done more to protect you at your last school."

At the mention of my last school, I tightened my grip on the chair until my knuckles were white. "I am not going to tell anyone," I said firmly. She gently moved my hands and wrapped me in a tight hug. "Will you be okay to drive yourself to school?" I nodded. "And you will let me know if you need me?" I nodded again and she withdrew from our embrace. "Okay, I have to go to work but I have my phone on me and I will be home around 5 o' clock. I love you," she reminded me as she collected her purse and travel mug. "I love you too mom."

The front door closed behind her and I lingered in the kitchen, wishing I could crawl into bed and hide under the covers until 5 PM. Instead, I took a resolute breath and lifted my book bag from the tiled floor. As soon as I stepped into the foyer and placed my hand on the doorknob, I remembered:

* Flashback *

"Nolan?" I squinted through the brightness of the porch light at the boy on my doorstep. He was still dressed in his jeans and his jacket, and I felt a wave of embarrassment to be in my pajamas. "Can we talk?" he asked me. "Sure." I stepped back, allowing him to pass over the threshold, and shut the front door behind us. "Should we go to my room?" He didn't respond so I waited, standing uncertainly in the foyer. He was silent except for his shaky breath. "Nolan? Are you okay?" I asked worriedly, putting a hand on his arm. "Fuck it!" He grabbed me around the waist, pulling me in and kissing me. When we parted, we were out of breath.

"I... I didn't know that you felt that way about me," I said shakily. He ran his fingers through his hair with a wry chuckle. "I have felt this way for a while now. I was in denial about being... about how I felt. I didn't want to admit it to anyone because..." he admitted, trailing off. I didn't know what to say. "Please tell me you feel the same way or I have just embarrassed myself," he pleaded. His face held a vulnerability I had never seen before. I kissed him again. "I will take that as a yes," he murmured when we parted again. He pulled my hair so my head would tilt back then peppered my exposed neck with kisses. His lips returned to mine and his hands returned to my waist then ventured lower, patting the front of my pajama pants. I moaned and he deepened the kiss, his tongue exploring mine. "Fuck, that was hot," he growled in my ear.

"We can't tell anyone about this," he said, "You know how they feel about..." He trailed off again. "Gay isn't a bad word," I reminded him. He turned away from me and for a long moment, the only sound was our hearts beating. "That's the thing. I don't know if I am gay. I have been with girls," he whispered, "But I can't take my mind off of you. Nothing I have done with them feels as good as you. I want you." I blushed. "You're a guy and I was always told that that was wrong. But this... This doesn't feel wrong." He turned back to me and took my hands in his, tracing small circles on my skin. "That's because it isn't," I told him. "You haven't come out," he pointed out. "No, I haven't. I am scared of how people would react or treat me too," I explained, "But if you want to be with me in the capacity you described, you need to accept that 'gay' isn't a bad word or a bad thing. I don't want you to be ashamed of being with me."

More silence. More circles drawn on my skin. Then he told me, "I'm not ashamed of being with you. I am just scared... I don't want to be thrown out of my parents' house or lose my football scholarship or worse... So if we do this, it has to be kept a secret."

"Okay."

* End of Flashback *

I shook my head, banishing the thought of Nolan and that night from my mind, and flung open the front door. My mother and I were both right. This was a chance for a fresh start. All I had to do was keep a secret.

Word Count: 1,085 words