Perception

Sometimes I feel like I lose my mind thirty-six times a day.

How is it possible to be so fulfilled in one moment

And in the next not be sure of a thing that I say?

My body, my biggest betrayer

My mind, a living hell

They play their games in all the same ways

God, they know me so well

In my happiest moments, I'm so sure of my place in this world

I remember kindness, I feel selfless, I feel my heart's flower unfurl

I feel unburdened, I feel boundless, a fully reconciled girl

Like all my pain was not meaningless

Like maybe I have a purpose

Is all of that really just serotonin?

A drug my body produces, but can't regulate

Spurs of it all at once and then I'm alone and

Leeched from my soul, I'm left with just numbness and hate

If perception is so easily influenced, then how do I know what is real?

Because if it's the emptiness and mediocrity, then how am I supposed to feel?

Should I be upset because I'm not like everyone else?

They don't get the lows, that suffocating phantom pain

They don't feel lost around people or lose their sense of self

They don't feel the weight of this world that is empty and vain

But they don't get the highs, the invigorating cloud nine

Where the beauty in it all is obvious

And part of it mine

Stuck in the middle somewhere means sustainability

Healthy and perky, no life-ending worries

Your relationships are good, your self-worth is high

You don't think of a purpose, you never ask why

And I wonder if that's the person I'd rather be

Or deep down do I know that's not good enough for me?

But what is my alternative?

What is the goal?

Because when I feel bad I don't want to live

But the high is not something I can control

And so is that the conviction against which I do not dare appeal

Do I sacrifice the length of my time corporeal

To burn brighter all at once, and feel

For certain, in my heart of hearts

That with every breath, every second until death

Not one inch of my rich inner life, did with I depart