My Big Sister | Margot Robbie

Chapter Thirty-Three

Charlotte's PoV
We were allowed home a week later. But three weeks after she was born. Juniper is tiny still, and I'm terrified I'm going to hurt her. Mum is staying with Rocco and I for a little bit along with Rocco's mother.
Rocco and I sat up in bed together the morning of Erin's funeral. Juniper lay in between us. She lay peacefully asleep as we talked quietly.
"Are you ready for today?" Rocco asked me.
"Well everything is planned out. The herse with the horses are ready to go and she's in her white dress,"
"No." He cut me off. "Are you ready for today?"
I shook my head. "Is anyone ready for their child's funeral? I mean, are you?"
"I guess it was a stupid question." Rocco said. I nodded.
"I'm going to see if mum's awake. Come on Junie." I picked my daughter up and carried her through to one of the guest rooms. I knocked on the door with my spare hand.
"In you come!" Mum called out. I pushed the door open with my spare hand and made my way in. "Hi seeetheart. Oh both my sweethearts."
"Hi mummy." Mum sat up in the bed. I sat next to her, and handed Juniper over. Mum happily took Junie.
"Hi baby girl."
"Mum." I said. Mum looked up at me.
"Yes?"
"I'm not ready to say goodbye to Erin. Which is weird because I never truly knew her, you know?"
"Oh my baby." Mum's face softened. "I know. Well I sort of know. It's like when I gave you away as a baby. I wasn't ready. I don't think you're ever ready to say goodbye to your child. But I can't imagine what you're going through. I really can't. And my heart just breaks for you. It really does."
"I don't need sympathy. I need Erin back." I started to cry. "I just want my daughter hack. Juniper is supposed to have a sister. A twin."
"She'll always be a twin, whether or not Erin is here. Your brothers and sisters always had a little sister called Charlotte, even if you weren't always with us."
"But you got me back."
-
My siblings and their partners, Leo and Rocco's dad all turned up at the house.
Neighbours had come out of their houses when they saw the white horse-drawn herse stop at our house. Inside the glass herse was a tiny white coffin with flowers surrounding it.
Irmelin was holding onto Juniper. It was between her and mum to look after Juniper today. There was no way I was of sound mind to look after my child. I'm so glad we have great relationships with our parents and that our parents like each other.
-
At the graveyard, we all stood around the open ground as the humanist leader spoke. Neither Rocco or myself are religious so we opted for a humanist service.

The coffin was lying in front of me. I broke down and fell to my knees.
I screamed. Mum and Margot came to my sides and held me.
"Shhh." Mum tried calming me.
"She's gone!" I cried.
"I know." Margot was crying too. I looked at her. She looked back at me with her big blue eyes and just sobbed. "I'm so sorry."
-
I didn't speak. I didn't know what to say. Rocco spoke for us both though. I'll be honest and say I blanked everything out of my mind.
I felt so numb. Like I had been cheated by God. If there is one. Clearly not if he took my child. Who had died before she was even born.

I remember sitting in silence at the lunch after the service.
I could hear talking, but I couldn't pick up on any of the actual words. It was just noise. I didn't say anything for the rest of the night. I was too tired. Mum looked after Juniper with Rocco that night while I went to bed feeling worse for wear.