My random shit (mostly art)

i need to say something.

but i never saw what anyone else saw in me.

(future-me edit: jesus christ, i'm fine!!!! i aint gon kill myself!!!! who the fuck reported me three times?!??!?!?!)

my whole life, i grew up believing that everyone experienced the same things as me.

i thought everyone else had to put every ounce of energy they had into acting "normal" in public. saying the "right" things in social situations. remembering simple things, like how to tie a bow and two-digit subtraction.

i thought everyone else came home with barely enough energy to live. i thought everyone else also had to spend an hour in bed after coming home from school because they were so fucking exhausted. and when i found out they didnt, i thought i was just weak. i thought there was something wrong with me.

when i was an ignorant first grader, i had a shitty best friend, josephine (no last names for privacy). but she was one of my first friends, and i couldnt just let her go even if she was horrible to everyone around her. i didnt know how to act in situations i hadn't been in or been told about yet.

i grew up thinking that everyone was just as shitty as her. i started to tell lies and keep secrets and hide parts of myself. i was so good at it that sometimes i forgot where those pieces of me were. and i never found them again.

and even if i thought i couldnt leave my friend, she didnt feel the same. one day without any warning, josephine just told me she didnt want to be my friend anymore. was i too annoying? talkative? clingy? or just a horrible friend? i never once thought it might not have been about me.

and then i thought i was selfish. i had tried so hard to get to where i was, without anyone's help. she was my only friend, my first friend, and my only connection to anyone who had been kind to me in the past. i tried strengthening friendships with people i knew, but they had also been dragged through hell and back by my first friend and sometimes i felt like it was just josephine again.

i spent so long without any friends. i befriended another girl. she was nice, but we never spoke. her name was kate. she had short blonde hair and glasses and she was my best friend for a short time. i had been alone for so long that i clung to anything. my best friend was someone i knew nothing about.

and then she left, too. it wasnt her fault. she moved away, and i made a friend named julia. she was very kind, but we had nothing in common. still, we avoided bullies together, shared experiences together, and i think that was the first time i ever felt truly happy to have a friend.

but then i had to leave.

in my new school, in my new state, in my new city, nothing was familiar. i went through an entire school year without friends. i talked to some people, sure, but it never went further than that. i saw my soon-to-be friends roleplaying. i saw people i had talked to laughing. i always "saw". but i never "did". 

then the pandemic hit.

i was left to go to online school in my room. never had a chance to talk to anyone. i felt so alone at this point, and i think i fell into some depression for a short amount of time. it was harder to get out of bed. i found it hard to make an effort. i couldnt pay attention to my classes. i wanted to die, and it's scary to me that i ever considered that. i didn't know how to explain my feelings to anyone. i never told anyone. i just kept making up lies about how tired i was because i couldnt sleep.

i started having dreams about dying. i started to think about why the fuck i was alive. my whole life i didn't know why everyone seemed different from me. i didnt know why everyone said i was depressed, why i was weird, why i was dull. who fucking cares. maybe i didnt have depression at that time, and it was just my autism again.

somehow, i survived. and i finally saw people again. i made friends with the roleplaying zelda boys, with the funny kid i introduced wattpad and splatoon to. 

my life was back on track.

i didn't know anything about social norms. but i was determined to make my new friendships work. we kept losing people in our friendgroup, though. it started with a fucking block game, and then it was a sixth grade dance party, and then it was online.

my whole life i felt like a background character in my own story. i was always there to laugh, maybe make a joke or comment on something. and when everything blew up, i didnt know what to do. fuck, i was being pulled in every direction and then thrown away.

i was blocked online. it wasnt my fault but i thought back to josephine and i assumed it was my fault. i made stupid choices and i was terrified i had ruined all my friendships. if youre reading this, kai and otiska, i want you to know that this isnt your fault. it's mine. if you want someone else to pin the blame on, do it to josephine. fuck her and her "eCo-fRiEnDlY" life.

so many years of shitty friends made me overapologize to everyone i came within two feet of because i was afraid i might bump into them. it made me always put everyone before myself. it made me feel the need to constantly act "normal". i realized all of this and i wanted to cry. i wanted to have a breakdown here in my room at midnight when no one could hear me but i couldnt cry because i never saw anyone else express that much emotion.

i wanted to help everyone. i tried to comfort my friend when they felt bad. but i knew my limited social skills werent enough, and i couldnt even remember what it felt like when i had gone through what they were. my stupid fucking short-term memory. my stupid fucking voice. my stupid fucking face and hair and brain and feelings and autism.

im finally at a point where i can admit im not completely fine. im sorry for lying to everyone for years. im sorry for acting like an attention seeker. dont try to comfort me, i dont want to trouble anyone.

fuck autism and everyone who exploits it, praises it and says we're so much better off than them.

hope no one reads this.

-coco