Let me love you like a woman

broken

I enjoyed the feel of water splashing on my body. Mesmerized by the reflection of the waves and the smell of a lovely lavender bath bomb that turned the water purple, I tried to purely focus on my thoughts.

I was sitting in our oh so tiny tub that I outgrew when I was 10 years old.

"Fucking shit." I muttered as i placed my hands on my face trying to calm down. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. "It'll be okay. You have to keep the days counting." I spoke to myself.
I was shaking but tried to get through it without having the need for some release. I just wanted to stay clean for one week or longer... if I was ever able to do that.

After my bath, I cuddled into my towel, wiped away the fog on the big bathroom mirror and inspected myself.

I hated myself. Every fucking inch. I hated the slight acne covering my face, the fact that my hair could't go two days without becoming greasy, how asymmetrical my face looked, my hairy arms, the slight cellulite on my thighs, my fat body and with it all the scars it was covered in.

Hot tears where streaming down my cheeks and I quickly wiped them away, got dressed in my pajamas, some oversized plaid pants and a random shirt by some rock band, and headed into my room. 

As I prepared everything for the first day of school tomorrow I heard my dad yelling my name. "Grace Deborah Anderson! Get your fucking ass down here." he slurred. I sighted, knowing exactly what to expect and headed downstairs. "Sup dad, do-" I stopped talking immediately. 

My dad stood in the living room next to an unknown woman. She had a stern expression, wore red lipstick and her ginger hair was pulled into a low bun. She was too good looking, especially for my dad, a guy who was not only emotionally unavailable but also had his anger issues.

"Grace, i want you to meet Carmen." he grunted and pulled her closer in her waist. Carmen flashed her teeth in a wide wicked smile, urgh I somehow already didn't like her. 

"Nice to meet you Carmen," I smiled well-behaved and turned to walk away "I better get back to my room. Its already late and tomorrow is the first day of senior year." My father rolled his eyes, "As if you ever cared about that, you are a disappointment to the whole family!"               "Andrew!" Carmen yelled "At least make sure she listens when you say that." she laughed. "Whatever, its not like I'd want her here anyway." he shrugged.

I felt my vision go blurry so I made my way up the stairs, slammed the door, locked it and ran to my vanity. "Where are you... Where are you- Ah there," I muttered as I looked at the sharpener blade in my hand.

I hated this. This feeling of being trapped in a cycle you know will never stop. Even if you try to slow it down, it'll always catch up with you. But in the end, it was the only way I felt somewhat better.

After covering my arm in bandages, I collapsed onto my bed. I felt dizzy so I decided to just take a nap. After all, naps always solve your problems.

Let me know what you think, comments are always appreciated :))