I never realized just how much of my life was spent fussing over Dexter until after I decided to keep my distance. There was so much time I'd allotted to spent with him that now it was time I hadn't the slightest clue of what I could do with it.
Another thing I'd realized was exactly how much excitement he gave to my exceeding boring life. Without Dex I realized how plain Jane my life was during weekdays, and how much I truly was alone. Being without him served as a remainder of how lonely I really was, and how much I craved human affection. How much I craved intimacy he would provide and the feel of someone else's skin on mine I wanted so badly.
I couldn't go back to him, not after seeing what I had from him.
I didn't want to be known as his and I wasn't going to be. Thick woolen sweaters provided some sort of comfort as I continue to struggle through life countless one night stands and cigarettes all ending in disappointment; they weren't the same without him.
Yet I avoided him in every way I possibly could. He texted wondering why I was being so rude and ignoring him, I convinced myself it was a detox from him for my own good and never replied.
.
.
I felt like a horseshoe that's upside down all luck falling out.
Like a wanderer that's been everywhere and has no more to explore.
Like a kitchen sink with no purpose.
I feel hopeless, useless, and most importantly purposeless.
Dex made me feel like I had purpose, but he also negated that by being vicious at the same time.
That was the part that made things hard for me.
He made me feel valued and special as if I was the only human being in his life that'd ever matter yet at the same time every phone call was someone else who felt that way. Dex treated me like the holiest of all creations with the exception of another girl waiting at his house longing to feel the way I did at the time.
When I told Dan he had little to no sympathy for me, saying I did it to myself and that I shouldn't have ever relied on any man. Liz despite her carrying nature agreed with Dan saying I had done it to myself, but gave the advice to stay away and not let him lure me back in. I assured her I was doing this which made her glad and exchange made me glad as well.
.
.
Something I'd forgotten was Dex's status in life. He was widely known, and that was proven by the fact even Dan had heard of him. Being widely known also meant Dex had many connections and outlets to collect information from. This meant him getting news in me was almost as easy as me getting information on him.
The only difference was that Dex had means of covering things he didn't want the public eye to see, and unfortunately I did not.
I wasn't interested in scrounging up information on him though, it was him who was piecing together information on me behind my back. It was him who was attempting to locate me with information told to him by random people I assume.
Somehow he did it though.
Shock floods through me as I stood there in a large sweater that dangled down almost to my knees, door knob still in hand from where I'd opened it. In front of me stood Dex dressed in rather nice attire his suit looking freshly pressed and his eyes had a glint of amusement. My mouths open I know it is, but no words seem to come out. I felt like a muted tv with my lips parted, moving ever so slightly while no sound left them.
