Teach Me

Avoidance & Acceptance

Truth is, there's a million reasons and no reason at all why someone chooses not to communicate when there is an issue or something deeper inside them. They will run and run and run. They will do anything to avoid looking in the mirror. Anything.

In this case, Y/N couldn't look at herself. She couldn't stare at her insecurities, her own issues. She wouldn't dare look at them. Looking at them is accepting them, noticing them and... noticing them, means they are real.

Y/N was, and to some extent is still a bit insecure. She especially was insecure when her and Cate were dating. So, looking back on that.... And understanding it, she realized now for the first time what had really happened.

She left Cate. She didn't communicate a single issue with her. She didn't want to... she didn't even want to do that with herself. So now, standing before Cate, completely at a loss for words or what to do... she finally knew what happened, she knew the truth.

She hurt Cate... and she hurt herself. She turned Cate into the bad guy, to avoid looking at herself clearly. How could she fix this? How does one? How can you truly make up for years of hurt? You don't, do you?

She wanted so badly to run away and leave all of this. She wanted to leave right now and never look back. Then she looked at Cate. She still loved her, after all of this time, and all that's happened. She couldn't leave, she can't throw her away, not again. She had to try, to explain herself... anything! She deserved something.

   "Are you going to say anything? Or just sit there, stationary?" Cate said, exhaustion prevalent in her voice. She went over to the fireplace mantle and lit a cigarette. "You smoke?" Was all Y/N got out, and what a stupid thing to say in this moment.  Y/N could have kicked herself, truly.

   Cate just started laughing, probably in disbelief. I mean, why on earth would a sane person respond that way? She probably wanted to have her committed.

   "Yes... I smoke. Have for around 5 years now" Cate looked at her and smiled. "I didn't even notice before... how didn't I notice?" Y/N got out. "Because we were only together for a few weeks...." Cate smirked. Cate laughed. Y/N did too.

   The first time they laughed together in years. Felt a little like old times. Then it stopped. Silence filled the room, tempting them to speak the unspeakable. "You know, it really wasn't that long we were together... don't feel bad if you didn't notice" Cate reassured.

   "Still, I... I should have. I can be so dense sometimes, I swear" Y/N shook her head at herself. "You over look things but you aren't dense. You also notice a lot that people don't normally" Cate stared at her.

   "Cate..." Y/N began. "Don't... it's okay" Cate said calmly. "No, please... it's not okay. I'm sorry" Y/N felt a tear coming. "I said it's okay" Cate said calming her down and walking over to her. She put her arm around her. Y/N buried her head in Cates shoulder and sobbed.

   "I shouldn't be the one to do this. I did this to YOU" Y/N put her arms around Cate and she pulled her into a hug. "We all make mistakes..." Cate said, petting her head. "I... I hurt you, how could I? How could I do that to you?" Y/N sobbed.

   Cate pulled away from the hug. "I made you the bad guy. I was insecure and looking for an excuse to run.... I... I really fucked things up. I'm such a fuck up. I'm so sorry Cate. You don't deserve any of this" She put her head in her hands.

   "You're right. I don't and I didn't... but things happen. We are only human and we make mistakes... I'm at fault too" Cate said. "I pushed intimacy hard and I pushed our relationship. I had just gotten out of a 20 year relationship, she was my best friend. I suppose I was trying to recreate that a bit with you... so, don't feel bad... I pushed things too hard. It's no wonder why you ran and got scared..." Cate scoffed.

   Y/N put her hands on Cates face. "I want you to know something. I never ran because you pushed things too hard. I never ran because I didn't want to be with you. I ran because I was insecure and I couldn't believe for a second that you belonged with me... I had self confidence issues. The reason I ran had nothing to do with you. Cate... I love you" Y/N surprised herself with that last part.

   "I loved you too, Y/N" was all Cate said. "Loved?" Again Y/N couldn't believe her boldness that night. "The thing about making mistakes... they are inevitable and forgivable but sometimes... the consequences of them cannot be undone" Cate said, looking down, clearly still hurt.

   "Never?" Y/N asked, fear in her voice. "You hurt me, very much. I understand you made a mistake... and I forgive you but I can't go down this road with you... I need time. I can't jump into this with you"  Cate said.

   "I don't expect you to jump back into things with me. I understand why you can't but please... just tell me this, do you still love me?" Y/N grabbed her hand.

   "Time, hurt, age, fear, hatred... none of these things affect love. None of these things change it. Nothing can change my love for you, Y/N but it's more nuanced than that... and I know you can understand that" Cate said diplomatically.

   "So, I think it'd be best if we stayed friends. I've had friends turn into lovers and then friends again... it can be done. Plus, with your new job... we'll be working very closely together, so... we cannot have a romantic relationship. Me being your superior and all..." Cate explained.

   "Is this something you can handle? Can you work with me and overcome your feelings?" Cate asked. "I will... I can do that. Can you?" Y/N asked, smirking. "I can do a lot of things, anything actually" Cate smirked.

   "Yes... you can. I remember..." Y/N blushed. Cate looked at her flabbergasted and blushed also. "Sorry, friends... starting now" Y/N reached her hand out for Cate to shake. Cate just smirked, grabbing her hand and pulling her closer. "You have no idea how many things I can do" Cate looked her up and down.

   "Starting now" Cate shook her hand.