I feel numb. I feel lonely but yet I push people away. It could be for my sake or thiers. Maybe it's because of things in the past. Maybe it's because I know how things will be in the future. Maybe it's because I know how it'll be in the present. I hate feeling like this. I hate having the pit in my stomach when something negative happens and I feel like I'm going to vomit until every organ in my body is gone. I hate when my throat closes up and it's hard to breathe. No matter how hard I try. I hate feeling that I'm alone when I'm not. I hate that I hate myself so much. That I'm not worth anything, that no one really cares because I feel like they don't. Even if they do. But how can I believe that when the people I love the most have fucked me over. How can I trust someone? How can I even trust myself?? Hell I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm so lost. And my heart aches so much. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't fix anything. I always seem to make things worse. No matter how hard I try to fix things. I always fuck up, I always screw up no matter how hard I try to fix something. I don't understand why I'm like this. I hate it so much. I hate everything about me. And sure maybe that feeling goes away for a while but it always comes back. It always haunts me. I start doing so well. I put on that mask and it becomes a reality. And then it rains and it washes all away. And I'm back at the start. But this time it's more difficult to put on that mask. It seems like there's no point but it does everyone one better if I just pretend. Perhaps it's not the best thing but for me it seems like it is. But even if I do that I always make a mess. I always end up fucking things up, like I'm a living disaster. I just hate it all. I hate it so much. I hate me, so much.
