Shadows in Tears

31

A letter from Avoidant to Anxious

Dear my love,
I'm sorry that I shut down.
You say, "what's wrong? Talk to me."
The answer should be simple.. just say it, right?
But why.. why is it so hard for me?
I don't understand it either.

Sometimes I say nothing not because I don't care
But because I feel paralyzed.
Sometimes I withdraw, not to hurt you
But because I fear that I'm failing you.

I know that my shut down is confusing
And frustrating for you.
Of couse it would, how could you understand something
that you aren't familiar with?
So.., I have a favor to ask:
Can you imagine something for a moment?
Can you imagine the possibility...

...that retreat, not to get away from you
But to get away from the overwhelming feelings?
...that I'm scared to open up, not because of you
But because I'm scared that I might get hurt?
...that I am afraid that I'll say the wrong thing and upset you
even more?

I am not asking you to be okay with how
I respond.
Or to sacrifice your needs to meet mine.
I can see how difficult it is for you.
I can also see the changes that
I need and want to make.
But.. could I ask for your understanding?

And maybe, could I ask you to..

...understand that my withdrawal is not about
you but about my inner conflicts?
...hold my hand and tell me that you'll be there
when I'm ready to talk?
...be patient with me as I process,
even if it's longer than you'd like?
...reassure, me that these feelings will pass
and that we can overcome it together?

Because deep down, all I want to know is
That you love me and that we are OKAY

I don't want us to fight..
I want us to understand our relationship more.
But I can't do it alone.

Can we step out of our individual boats and into the same one?
Because we can tackle problems together, as a team.
We can steer the boat together,
Side by side, towards understanding and love.

I hope we can choose to do this together..

With love,
Your Avoidant