PALE BLUE EYES. kurt cobain

012

"You need to sleep it off," Kurt said quietly to me once we got back to his big, warm, home. I probably looked a mess with mascara all over and red puffy cheeks, "you can sleep in my room." He softly took my jacket off my back and hung it up. I couldn't help but think about Courtney. I was so fucking jealous of her. How did someone as batshit crazy as her get to keep someone as amazing as Kurt all to herself? It wasn't fucking fair.

"Kurt, I really think I should go home." I answered truthfully to him. He picked Frances up from her car seat and set her on the couch gently, which had a baby swaddle laid out and ready for her. I saw him place her down gently and wrap her up in the flower printed sheet. He picked her up, not before kissing her nose. My heart broke.

"Just do me a favor and stay, it will ease my mind. I'm sorry I raised my voice at you in the car. I know you were upset, yelling probably didn't help." I appreciated how quick he was to admit when he was wrong and apologize. I felt horrible though. I was mad at him but the last thing I wanted was an apology. I wanted him.

"Can I put Frances to bed?" I asked crossing my arms, feeling the warmth from my white sweater rub against my arms. I wanted to spend time with Frances, I was growing real close to her.

"Of course." Kurt slowly handed me the bundle of a baby and she slightly stirred in my arms but ultimately fell back asleep. I smiled at the girl before going up the stairs and to the left, where her room was. I had never been in her room before, as I'd never put her to bed before.

"Wow, you fancy girl. You've got a sink all to yourself!" I whisper-exclaimed to Frances who was passed out cold. I laid her in her little crib and spun the little trinkets hanging down just for fun. I looked at her for a little while, just watching her sleep. I'd never felt such pure love like I did right now, "Goodnight, Angel." I softly rubbed her head before leaving the room, turning the light off. The nightlight shined brightly in the corner.

"She all good?" Kurt asked from the hallway.

"Yep," I shortly answered, "I'm going to bed, Kurt. But I'll just sleep in the guest room." I motioned down the hall.

His eyebrows furrowed, "how'd you know there was a guest room?" I thought of a lie really fucking fast.

"Your house is huge, I just assumed." I quickly said. That was a good lie, honestly. I didn't want him to know I had been up here when I wasn't supposed to be. I couldn't explain it to him.

"Oh," he looked down, "I wasn't accusing you of anything, just wondering. But, Courtney won't be here for a couple days so you can really just take my room." Kurt was beginning to get nervous. He did that sometimes. He would overthink and just shut down. I felt horrible for him and normally I'd help, but I was angry at him.

"No thanks," I crossed my arms, "I will take the guest room." I said definitively. Kurt just nodded. Oh yeah, he was for sure shutting down. I didn't meant to do that, I never wanted to make him feel upset. Kurt processed things differently than others and I needed to acknowledge that. Be the bigger person, Rory.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm just... frazzled. I didn't mean to make you upset." I bit my lip timidly. Kurt turned around and softly smiled. It relieved me a little bit.

"I'm sorry for everything, I hope I've made that clear." Kurt was speaking barely above a whisper. I didn't blame him, this was awkward.

"I know," I looked to the ground, "I'll get over it soon, I just need some time to sulk." I tried to joke just a little bit.

"Don't let me get in the way," Kurt sighed, "I'll do anything I can to help you. We can get pizza before you go to bed or whatever you want for breakfast tomorrow. Anything." Kurt was sweet. But I didn't need that. It wouldn't fix it at all. It would just make it a tiny bit better for about a second.

"It's ok," I declined, "but thanks. I'm gonna go to bed." I finally turned into the guest room. I heard Kurt sigh but eventually heard his footsteps trail into his room. I collapsed on the bed, thinking that this couldn't actually be happening. I didn't fall in love with a rockstar. When I shut the door, something happened. The switch turned again. I felt this horrible sting in my chest and I began to cry. I hoped my hand would muffle the sounds but I doubt it did. I couldn't help it.

I started praying. I prayed that Kurt would walk back into my room to console me. I prayed and prayed and waited and waited. Nothing. I felt like nothing could or would ever be good again. Nothing could feel like it did when I was around Kurt.