The lost parts of another story

2

Eliza can't even look at me.

This is not how I saw our reunion. Not when I replayed it over and over and over in my head for the past ten years. Every sleepless night was dedicated to endless thoughts of what could be. I wanted something more from her. I thought I would see her smile. I thought I would hear her laugh, the one so contagious it left us in stitches so many times before. I never imagined that she wouldn't be able to bear looking at me.

I didn't prepare for the hopelessness that filled me when I realized she had stopped thinking of me and I would never be able to stop thinking of her. Long before I knew it was possible, she took a chunk of my heart and will always possess it.

Nothing has felt real since the last time I saw her, she is, and will forever be, my world.

"Please," I beg, a sob escaping me. "Let me explain.'' I sound so weak even to my own ears, I don't even want to think how pathetic I must look right now. Shock runs through me when Eliza finally looks at me, I have to take a step back when I see how much pure hatred fills her gaze, "What could you possibly tell me that makes this better?" malice drips from her words as they slice me. My legs threaten to collapse under me and I have to grab the wall to support myself. I knew she was mad but I didn't realize I had hurt her this bad. I didn't realize I could have caused this much pain.

The once loving eyes that dripped with honey in the setting sun under the old tree we hid our selves under so many times. The eyes that were pure molten when she loved. The eyes that I memorized every detail of. The eyes that were once so warm when they looked at me, have turned to stone. The girl I fell in love with is not the woman standing in front of me. I have caused her more pain than I will ever know.

"I love you." The admission leaves my lips before I can stop them, they hang in the air like a feather slowly falling. Panic rises quickly in me as soon as I realize that was the worst thing I could have said. They are the words I imagined we would say to each other giggling at how much they fit while we held each other, never feeling more at home than in each other's arms. But I forget this is real, this is not going like all the times I thought about us reuniting, this is the worst possible scenario that I only let myself think about when I want to torture myself.

This is real.

The silence continues for a beat longer, "You don't get to tell me that, you don't get to tell me you loved me when you were the one that left." she sneers back at me, "You were the one who couldn't handle loving a woman, I loved you openly, I loved you like you were the only bright thing in the universe, but you burned me instead of lighting up my darkness. So no, you don't get to come here and tell me you loved me like it is any regular day." She is breathing heavily after she finishes. That stung for more reasons than I would like to admit but the biggest thing gnawing at me was, "Not loved, love" I correct lightly.

Eliza scoffs and crosses her arms, "Would you like to speak up so I can actually hear what you are saying?" She says mockingly.

"I said love, not loved. I still love you and you will always hold a piece of my heart." I look at the ground as I continue not wanting to see her reaction. "You were my first love, when we ki- when we saw each other last was the last time I felt alive. I didn't know a woman could love another as strongly as I love you but you are all I think about. You are my first thought in the morning and my last at night, you visit me every waking moment. I have tried to move on but whenever I close my eyes with another person I just see you. I feel you, I hear you. I am obsessed with you, you possess me, every waking moment." Tears start welling in my eyes.

I glance up, scared of what I will see in front of me. But all I see is the furrow in her brow that has grown more prominent with age and the weighing of what I said playing in her head. I don't know if I have reached her. I still feel the magnetic pull of her that I have never been able to resist, I move closer to her and reach out.

When I touch her fingers it feels as if the earth has tilted on its axis and has righted itself at the same time.

She pulls away from me as if I burned her, "You were the one that left me. Do you know how much that hurt? How much that put me through? I was devastated, I thought you hated me. I never let myself get close to another girl I had a crush on because god forbid I kiss her and she runs away again." She turned to leave. Reject singing through me as I watch her reach for the door.

In an act of desperation I grab her hand again, she just turns her head to look at me, "I know I ran away, I know that was my fault. I was scared, you were so perfect, you knew who you were, I didn't. I thought I would ruin you." I was so close to dropping on my knees to beg for her. "Please, just give me a chance. We can just be friends, I just want you in my life any way I can." Now I am full on begging.

I realized for the first time she had also given me her heart when we were young but I decided to shatter it. I didn't realize I had it. We were young and we were foolish. I was foolish. I needed her just as much then as I need her now but she doesn't need me anymore.

She just sighs and drops her head.