A Show of Faith

Chapter 8: Shell of a man.

I am on my second glass of soju as I am practicing my lines. I have worked hard to get here. I always worked hard. The need to live up to others expectation all the time gives me anxiety. The feeling creeps up on me the most when I am alone.

The thing is that I am always alone. Always pushing myself into my work so that I don't have to feel or even think about my own reality and my own feelings. My scripts are my escape into another life, another reality that isn't mine. I am a romantic because life is better with a lot of romance in it, at least the thought of it. It feels like a disney fairytale sometimes to think about life and romance that way. I crave it and escape into it, to keep me sane. 

When we are young we watch these movies where there is always a happy ending, these fairytales of friendship, love and a good life. It's nothing like real life. It's a harsh reality to acknowledge it. My work helps me escape that harsh reality, but to be in this situation with Parker, where there are real emotions and feelings I don't know how to handle it honestly. Apparently I am not good at it. It's hard. For me and my feelings, but also for him. For someone to open up to someone else in this vulnerable way which living and working together forces you to, is something different. We are almost 24/7 together. There are no other options, it's all or nothing. It's doing this together or losing what we worked for, for half our lives. I haven't even been together this much with my ex as I have to be with Parker. It feels new and weird. 

Does he worry about others and their opinion like I do. He does care about his career right, although it doesn't seem like it right now. Can you imagine losing something you put your heart and soul into for half your life? Disappointing all these people who love you and depend on you and what kind of pressure that brings? To fall all the way down to something unknown after that amazing high you just reached? It will tear you into two.... leave you empty and hopeless. Maybe I would react the same way as Parker is doing, if I found myself in that situation. Maybe he goes out and drinks to drown out those fears and problems. It would weight a ton on your shoulders to have those problems and the end of your career in sight. 

For me I need to excel in my work at all times, because of the validation I never had. Losing your parents does that to you. Reflection enough when you are alone a lot. You get to know yourself, because that's all you have. Being this independent really took a toll on me. I don't want to be by myself, I don't want to be alone. 

It's not that I am unhappy. But I need space to become my best self and figure out what I want. I struggle a lot with these feelings. I want to buy that house on the country side. I saved enough to not work for a long time. I like books and writing. Fantasizing the way I do  might be a good base to write a book or a script. I should try it, in my house with animals on the countryside. Even if I don't find a partner to have kids with, I want to adopt a child. Blood doesn't mean anything. It will be my child just the same. 

The counseling is helping me reflect. I need to work on this to become a good partner. Not for this show, but for me. For my future, for myself, for my future partner and for hopefully my kids one day.

Despite being tipsy, I feel good. This is the tipping point. I am going to take charge of myself and my life.

But first, I am gonna eat some pocky. This kitchen is fully stocked and I grab my favorite, the strawberry ones. A little sweetness goes a long way. I sit down at the dinner table as I turn down the music from the TV. 

I am startled by the sound of a loud sportscar. 

'Parker...' I huff.

It's half past 1 at night. I bet he didn't think I would still be up since I am one of those that go to bed early according to him. But I couldn't care less. Maybe I did wait up for him, just to make sure he is okay, but he doesn't need to know that.