Queen of Hearts (editing)

Chapter 16 - He will find out.

The new potions books Snape, and his ludicrous theoretical way of learning, advised them all to obtain from the library, lies heavy on Emilia's shoulder, digging in further and further to her skin. She shrugs the strap further up to relive the tension as the cold December air hits her like a wave. Her mind has been swirling all day with the notion of seeing him, figuring out what he wants and how she feels.
Madame Pomfray didn't quite believe her tale on her having - "you know, that sickness bug that's doing the rounds." Instead, the nurse lectured her for half an hour on the dangers of alcohol and how she has the right to go directly to the headmaster. Emilia, somehow, managed to talk her way out of it and Pomfray handed her a similar vial to that of Kaite's, curing her hangover almost instantly. Thank heavens for that.
The last few classes of the day went by in a flash and as she finds herself walking out of the courtyard, towards the whomping willow, her mind rattling with uncertainty. True to his word, he is there. Draco's eyes are stuck on the book laying open in his hands, his body leaning so casually against the wide trunk of the tree. With his hair softly moving in the winter wind, her skin heats quickly underneath her robes. Draco is wearing an overcoat with the familiar dark green scarf wrapped around his neck. The one from the Owlery. She shivers at the thought, pulling her robes closer around her body, the heat irradiating from her skin not quite shielding her from the crisp winter air. It hasn't snowed yet, but it's evident in the light grey clouds that shroud the castle and the icy wind that bellows around her.
Hearing her footsteps, she watches as he glances up, placing the book he was so intently reading into his bag.
A cloud of air leaves his mouth, floating above his head and dispersing with the wind, "hi."
She responds with a simple nod, unsure of what to say and pulls the robes as close as possible around her shivering body once more.
Draco leans back against the tree for a moment, his eyes wandering along her body before moving over, bending his knees to sit on the nearby bench. A small gap on the wooden seat, barely enough to fit her thighs, lays empty and she follows suit, focusing on the hills that lay in front of them.
The view from Hogwarts has always been beautiful, even with the bitter winter that approaches. The red sun slowly setting in the sky lights up the outlines of the hills as they grow darker and more ominous with each passing moment.
"You know,  I've wanted to tell you..." Draco finally speaks after what feels like an age. "About everything."
"Why haven't you?" She asks, watching birds fly over them in the sky above. They're free, free to roam where they please. Not stuck to one, singular place - not like her. Who knows what he's going to say here - if it'll even be the truth.
"I've tried Emilia." He sighs, his gaze never shifting. "Also, it's—" He pauses for a moment to contemplate. "—it's complicated."
Draco delves into the story and she remains silent, trying to take in his words. Her parents attending his over the summer, the conversations of their perfect daughter, Emilia. He admits that he had never really looked at her before, but it was their fathers who came up with the idea of them being friends. "Imagine our families coming together, the power we would have." Draco reiterates his father's speech. "I...I saw you at Kings Cross that day, you were standing so small next to your parents. You had such a scared look on your face, similar to.." He doesn't finish his sentence but shakes his head and carries on. "Look, I don't want this anymore than you do, but if your father is anything like mine, you know that he won't take no for an answer."
As Draco talks, her mind goes over their previous encounters, from the Owlery to the broom closet to the parties. It's been nothing but a ruse to him, a boasting that he can return to his father with - to tell him he's earned her trust and made him desirable in her eyes. His jaw clenches as he finishes explaining, his face taut against the cold breeze that picks up a little in the air. His hair lifts and dances against the blowing wind around them, his side profile so sharp as he slowly unclenches his jaw. His left hand reaches to his mouth, slowly pulling it down over the lower half of his face.
It does something to her, a little spark igniting in her core. But she can't accept it, not with knowing what she does now, so she pushes the spark away and focuses on the anger that fuels her thoughts.
"So everything that has happened.." her throat bobs as she looks back out to the distance, avoiding his penetrating stare. "..has been because of our parents?"
"Yes." The answer she silently prays to not come out of his mouth hits harder than she expects, the harsh lump continuing to form in her throat.
"Our...kisses?" She falters, her lower lip trembling ever so slightly as the feel of his mouth on hers still feels so fresh, his taste almost lingering. How could she be so stupid, not to see. Of course she saw it, but she never understood it - she didn't want to. Not at the time, when it felt so good. A rush of sensuality that she had never felt before.
"Wasn't it the same for you?" Draco asks, not entirely denying her question.
"I..I don't know." She lies, tearing her gaze away from the hills that are now clouded over by the night sky that has fallen in their time outside. His eyes are narrow on her, his face still harsh as stone.
"So why do we..." she gulps back her tears. "Why do we always end up hating and arguing with each other?"
"Because it's forced, Emilia. Don't you get that?l Draco grinds his teeth together harshly, his jaw tensing once more and his hands rub over the black trousers that cover his thighs. "All we've done, it's been forced on us. That's why we end up hating each other and always fucking argue. Would you have even looked at me if it wasn't for your father telling you to?" Draco's eyes wander along her body as he speaks but she can't look to him, his words cut in too deep with the reality of their situation.
She nods her head. Draco and her would've continued to be nothing but passing ships in a stormy sea for the rest of their school years. But that doesn't make the truth of it hurt any less.
"In that case," The lump catches on her throat, her voice breaking slightly but she looks to him. She has to. She has to see if her words affect him the way his shatter her. "You can go back to listening to everything your daddy tells you to and I'll go back to avoiding you. We've managed to do it for three years, it shouldn't be too hard now. I'm sure you have that other girl to go back to anyway."
She stands from the bench, grabbing her bag that rests on the ground and swinging it over her shoulder, determined to end this conversation before it stings any further. His face didn't change, it remained as hard as stone with her words, he wasn't affected. Not once.
"Hold on, we haven't finished." He raises his voice when he stands. Her head reaches up to just above his chest as he towers over, looking down with a contorted face.
"And what is there left to discuss, Draco?" She crosses her arms over her chest, hiding her body away from him but he's so close, the warmth of his breathing hitting her cheeks like a furnace.
"Noah." Draco saying his name so callously sends a shiver down her spine.
She stumbles, her heel catching on a root, faltering backwards to create distance between them but he venomously continues. "Did you think I wouldn't look in to him after your little act in the library? Noah Duevy, muggle. Disgrace if you ask me, associating with those muggles. What do you think you're playing at?" Each word that spills from his mouth hurts more than the last. His eyes hone in on hers, no longer speaking from a place of care, his voice low and spiteful. "I bet your daddy would love to know."
Noah's face flashes in her mind, all the hurt and pain from watching him leave that night rushes back to her and her muscles contract rigidly.
"And that girl you're talking about was Pansy." A contemptuous smile covers his lips when he speaks. "You're right, I kissed her and I enjoyed it. Much more than you anyway." His stance grows unyielding and he straightens himself, his gaze floating over her head.
Her heart explodes, "fuck you, Draco. Seriously, fuck you." The lump in her throat erupts when she turns. The back and forth of their frivolities, the neediness of feeling each other through the hatred festering deep within their battling hearts - she needs to let this out.
His voice rings in her ears when he calls out, but she quickens her pace to get him and his horrible words out of her mind. Rain splatters around her, falling from every angle, in every direction, soaking her hair against her forehead and sticking the heavy robes to her skin. She doesn't look back - she runs and runs, returning hastily to the common room and without changing from her sodden clothes, she reaches the unopened letter in her desk. Noah, she may as well just fucking rip the band aid off now. The envelope rests in her hands, his writing so clear.
Emilia Halloway,
Highland Sorting Office,
Scotland.
Opening the envelope slowly, as though wishing for the ink inside to disappear and for her to not read what it spells out, she takes a deep breath. Unfolding the parchment, the words pour out of the page and into her heart like a thousand knives.
"Emilia,

I wasn't planning on writing to you. To be completely honest with you, I have been putting this off for a while, not sure what to say, scared of saying the wrong thing. But...I'm here now I guess. I'm sitting in my room, looking at the photo of you on my bedside table - do you remember that day on the beach, when you got ice cream on your nose and I snapped a photo? You were so mad at me for taking that photo but truthfully, you looked so beautiful there when you were laughing, not a care in the world.

God Lia, I'm so sorry for rushing off on you. I just couldn't stand there any longer knowing that your heart belongs to someone else. I've been meaning to tell you for so long, how I feel about you - how much you actually mean to me - it's just never felt like the right time.

I missed it, I know I did. I missed our chance to be together, if that's even something you have ever wanted. I know we are so young and we have time on our side, more time than we can imagine but I can't help but feel like I've lost you.

I'll be here when you get home, whenever that may be. A day, a week, next summer - you can tell me everything. Having you in my life, whether as a friend or not, means more to me than you know.

I hope to see you soon.

Always,
Noah.

Her heart can't belong to someone else, it can't belong to him. Draco has made that extremely clear to her.
She lets it all out, the tears reaching down to the paper, destroying the letter that she grips tightly in her hands. Her sobs fill the room and she suddenly feels grateful to be alone. But was it worth it - all this time, keeping Noah away from the darkness of her life?
In her hurt, she puts quill to parchment, everything seeping out of her. Everything about her and her family, her world. He needs to know, he needs to know it all.
One finished, she places the letter in her drawer, promising herself in that moment, that he will find out.

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