Garden in My Lungs

Chapter 1 - Teagen

A loud beep echoed throughout the room as a groan seemed to follow, long disheveled blonde hair framed the pillow and some of the blankets as I went to hit snooze. Another groan leaving my lips as I flopped back down, I'd be late to practice once again, but it's not truly like it mattered. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. The following beeps came sooner than I had hoped for, my friend must have changed my alarm to five minutes instead of the usual fifteen. How irritating.

I pulled my long blonde hair into a ponytail as I got up, another groan leaving my lips. I'd be lectured about staying up too late, then about being late. I grabbed my school uniform, the gray and burgundy pleated skirt, white button up, burgundy tie and blazer. I headed to the bathroom to change, struggling to brush out my disheveled hair, deciding to just put it up once more. That would be a battle for another time. I needed a haircut but who had time for that? I never did.

I wasn't what you call lazy, but I do like to do the bare minimum unless it involves video games. That is something that always gets me excited, at least until I started spending more time with Estella.

Estella is the definition of a golden retriever in my eyes and I couldn't help the feelings that started. Estella is someone I want to protect and care for. I'm not the best at feelings, oftentimes thinking about them causes panic attacks. I hate the feeling that I'm not good enough.

Grabbing my backpack I quickly made my way out the door, sighing at the multiple texts and missed calls I had received from Selena. Bumping into something hard caused a huff from my pale pink lips, glancing up towards whoever I had just run into. "S-Selena! I was on my way I swear!"

"I was coming to get you, sorry I didn't this morning." Selena gave a gentle smile.

"Oh, that's alright. It gave me time to sleep in but did you change my alarm?"

"Of course I did. Can't have you be late to practice every time Teagen." Selena nudged me gently. "We have practice with Estella's team today."

"Practice in the morning and the evening? That's too much."

"It's helping us prepare for nationals. I know you hate it but hold on just a little longer and we'll get you a new game as a treat okay?" Selena grinned. "What's the deal with your hair today? You never wear it up."

"Maybe I wanted to try something new." I felt a groan leave my lips as I kept walking with Selena. I looked back down at my phone as I continued with the game.

"Teagen, I've known you for a long time. Having your hair up makes you anxious. What's up?"

"Okay, I couldn't get the tangles out." I huffed quietly. "Can you help me when we get to the locker rooms?"

"Of course. Now, the last question, what game are you playing?" Selena peered over my shoulder, trying to get a peek.

"Hanahaki disease." I spoke softly, looking at Selena. "It's alright.. Kind of embarrassing having to confess to this character then see if they like me back."

"Yeah, I guess so. At least it's not a real thing right?"

"Yeah."

I began to feel more nervous than usual as I waited for Estella's team to enter the gym. I did my best to ignore the feeling with distractions such as stretching and practicing sets. Mid-set I heard a booming voice that was all too familiar and brought so much comfort.

"SELENA! TEAGEN! WE'RE HERE!" Estella beamed so bright it hurt my eyes.

"Estella, they can see us, there's no need for that." Leia spoke softly, glancing at the girl then at the raven haired captain. "Selena, thank you for having us."

Selena clinched her waist as she let out her obnoxiously loud laugh, "You two are so funny. Such a great couple I swear." She teased playfully.

My stomach dropped as I listened to Selena, staring at the ground and missing the next set. I felt nauseous, maybe it was worse than nauseous. I felt my heart breaking. It would make sense as to why they would be together. They spend all their time together and at least they go to the same school. My thoughts began to spiral as my vision got blurry. I gently reached a shaking hand up to touch my cheek, when did I start crying?

"TEAGEN!" Selena's voice echoed, pulling me back to reality.

Oh god, I'm crying in front of them. I quickly turned and ran into the locker room as I tried to stop the tears. The nausea continued as I tried taking deep breaths. This was something I struggled with a lot, anxiety that is.

"I can do this, I can do this." I whispered over and over as I slid down the wall, rocking myself to a calm state.

"Teagen!" Selena eventually made her way in and sighed, kneeling down by me. "Anxiety attack?"

I could only nod as I kept rocking myself, "I'm sorry please go out and practice, I'll be out soon."

"I don't want to leave you like this-"

"Please- it'll only make them worry more. I'm starting to calm down now, I'll be out soon." I whispered, looking up at Selena, my vision still blurry.

"Okay."

After Selena left, I started coughing, the rocking stopped as I covered my mouth. It felt like I couldn't breathe again, the heavy chest feeling becoming too intense. The cough grew more fierce and deep as I struggled to breathe. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks once more as I finally stopped coughing. As I looked down at my hands, I noticed a small seed-like shape surrounded by blood.

"It's just a game... it's only a game." I whispered, getting up to wash my hands quickly before someone else came in. "It's not real. It can't be."