The thing that lives inside of me.
It all started when I was just eight years old.. A voice spoke to me, telling me to harm Skittles the family cat. It told me that if I just snipped it's ear off that I would be able to hear all of it's problems. I just wanted to help him not be stressed out anymore, the cat had been chewing away at it's fur for weeks now. The damn thing was nearly hairless by now. So I did it, Nobody believed my reasoning.. about how a voice told me to do this.
My parents became worried and quite frankly scared about me, They swiftly sent me to a child psychologist who asked so many questions.. Questions I couldn't even comprehend but somehow had the answers to. At the end of each appointment the psychologist would speak to my parents privately, they would always come out looking so concerned.. They seemed so...... scared of me. Terrified of their own eight year old child, they began locking my door from the outside every night not allowing me out of my room until the morning time.
Things really took a downward spiral roughly a year later, the voice had told me to do something yet again.. This time I was having recess at school when the voice told me that Jacklyn was evil, she was planning on doing something so terrible that lives would be affected. The voice, it told me to push her... it wasn't me. Jacklyn's fall from the playground caused irreparable damage to her legs, even today as an adult I have heard Jacklyn still has issues standing for long periods of time.. After this incident my parents pulled me out of school, My times leaving the house were reduced. I spent almost every day for the next five years barely leaving my property, Anytime I spent outside was mainly in our small and cramped backyard.
I began to grow accustomed to my new life until "They will keep you here forever, locked away like a prisoner"... "Locked away and forgotten about, feared like some sort of freak.. you are special, you are so much more than this" At hearing the voice yet again I tried doing my exercises to subside it, usually it would work I would be able to keep it at bay, but not this time. This time the voices became to much, it was defeaning.. My vision became foggy and... nothing. I can't remember anything after this, I came to five hours later to sirens wailing outside of my house.. It was now dark out, far gone was the bright summer day we were having. I looked down upon my hands to notice a dark, visceral and sticky red liquid covering every square inch of them, I knew what it was.. in an instant I heard choking and gasping, I looked to where the sound was coming from and what I saw changed me forever. To my left was my father laying stiff as a board, pools of blood leaking out from several different spots from his body.. That wasn't who was making the sound however, you could tell from first sight that my father was already dead. It was my mother.. Holding onto her throat with one hand and caressing my father's face with the other. Between her chokes and gasps for air she was also sobbing, That is when I heard it again.
"She is strong, everything I did and she continues to cling to life... You need to finish this, allow her the opportunity to be with your father, she deserves it for being so strong." The fear within me was immeasurable, I had done things the voice has told me to do before but never to this extent.. Never murder, and murdering my own parents? I couldn't... "NO, I can't.. I WON'T" I yelled with all the energy I could muster, but I knew the exercises and techniques would not work this time. Something felt different, like this time I really had no control. Like someone.. or something else was in the drivers seat. I watched in horror unable to stop myself as I began to walk towards my mother, a woman who raised me and worked so hard to do so. I quickly swatted her weak and limp hand away from her throat and saw the complete horror upon her eyes, I wrapped my hands around her already wounded throat and squeezed until any sign of life left her body. She lay limp on the floor beside my father..
Just as I finished, the front door of my house burst open with lights flooding into the house.. Dozens of officers with guns drawn a pointed at me. They yelled and forced me to the floor they arrested me without hesitation...
It has been fifteen years since than, fifteen years exactly to that day. Since then I have been locked away, kept in the deepest, darkest parts. Forced to medicate, nothing but four padded walls, a bed and my own thoughts. My only human interaction is when the staff drop off my medication three times a day and the once a month visit from a psychiatrist. Now I know you're wondering how I am getting this to you.
Well that was because today I found an opportunity to leave that damned place, well I didn't but.. it did. Today my psychiatrist visited for his monthly appointment, for years now it had been gaining his trust. Recently the Psychiatrist had started coming into the cell, giving me more of a feel of human interaction.. what a fool, I deserve to rot away.
It took it's opportunity, it overpowered him and took his pen.. And that was all I remembered. Now I sit in an unfamiliar house with a unfamiliar person lying motionless and pale next to me. It tells me that soon I will no longer have any control.. I am weak, close minded and I don't deserve the control I have over myself.
I think it is going to be time soon, I don't know if I will ever be in control again.. I think for my own peace of mind, it may be better that way.
