the last breath

I'd always been the sour thumb in my family. Different from them all. Of course, they had their difference. Jupiter was the biggest of us all, Venus the hottest of us all, mercury the smallest, Uranus the coldest, Saturn the most beautiful, Neptune the smart one, mars my twin, my closest and Pluto, dear sweet Pluto, our adopted brother, he lived the farthest from our family, sometimes they'd even forget to include him but I'd always loved him. not to forget our father, around whom our lives revolved...literally.... was the brightest star in our world.

But I'd always been different. Maybe it was just a miracle or maybe it was fate, but gradually something miraculous happened. I gave birth to life. My body, my planet started settling and the water and trees and air formed a place where I could support life and I did. My first children, they were born in water. then they gave birth and some came out on the land. they lived on my land, breathed in my air, drank my water, lived on my soil, and I loved them all. I created a world with wildlife and nature. Where they survived and lived. 

But I'm no god. fate wasn't in my hand. Just like the birth of my child wasn't in my hands, their death wasn't either. They may have been my children but I was just a soul of my planet. I couldn't control whatever happened. The worst thing in a mother's life is to watch her children die before her hand and not being able to do anything about it. I couldn't hold them as they took their last breath. I couldn't tell them even once that I loved them. I could just watch helplessly as the fire took my elder children 'the dinosaurs' and killed them.

I couldn't get up from the fall. My family tried so much, for so long, but I couldn't get up again. The loss of my children hurt more than I could admit. Years passed along and living got a little easier, slowly and with time, I could breathe again and walk through my forests again. I could watch my children again. And I decided. I would do anything to protect them. 

one casual walk I was overlooking my planet when I saw the changes. Apes had started to change; they were starting to walk on two legs and getting smarter every day. I felt something then. A desire to gift them. A desire to seek redemption by giving one of my children the most precious gift of all. A mind.

Over years, my gift evolved with them and my humans started progressing. They started making things, forming weapons to hunt better, covering themselves. They discovered fire and minerals. they started watching and learning. They asked so many questions and fought to find answers. And I was so proud of them, they were going to be the guardian of this planet. Everything was changing. The earth as they called my planet was changing. They became obsessed with science and reasons and progress. While all my other children focused on surviving, they focused on living. I was happy for them. For their happiness. They were my best legacy. One that'd conquer over all and be everyone's guardians.

Until...

They started killing others. What got into them, I had no idea. Evil formed a shadow and followed them. With their mind and ability to think came sins and crimes. Some of them would use things for wrong. They started becoming cruel. To themselves, each other and my other children. They held themselves as superior and forced power and dominance over others and the conflict widened my eyes.

What was happening? They weren't supposed to act like this. Things weren't supposed to get this wrong. What did I do?

With time, as years passed, things became worse. They had knowledge, mind and brain better than others and they used it, but it made things worse. Wars started, famine, struggle. They started destroying each other and so many in process, hurting me in the process. I tried to step in. to talk to them or tell them. But how could I? when I had no body or a voice. 

I tried using other things for communication. When things got bad, I started warning them. Calamities and pandemics were my allies. But they didn't let them stop them. They found ways to fight them, fight me. But I couldn't go longer. I had to do something; I just didn't know what.

Further years went by but they never stopped. They wanted to reach the highest of heights. They wanted to develop and so, they started hurting me. Killing my trees, draining and dirtying my water, polluting my air. Digging my land and killing my children.

I didn't know what to do... the same helplessness fogged me and I started slipping. As I stood there watching the wrath of a human mind, I regretted. The gift I had so hopefully blessed them with was being turned into the most lethal of weapons. I was lost. The pain was unbearable. Where there were dense green forest filled with life now stood a baren land filled with scorn. And that was not it. they started to hurt my family. Meddling in their business. Mars was angry at me and she got more distant as humans started poking her around. I lost the only friend I had. my father got angrier and my family was disappointed. I felt like I was losing.

 I wanted to scream at them. Tell them to stop killing me and my family, my children, my life. Some of them heard me but they were too busy in their life to care much. But even through all that, I could never hate them. I couldn't hate them even after I started withering into a brown mass. I couldn't hate them even when my lungs caught and my planet shuddered. I couldn't. they all were my children. And how can a mother possibly hate her child?

While I was crying silent tears, they were burning my sky to celebrate their achievements. They were playing with weapons that killed me with every breath.

I tried then. One last time to convince them. I created a pandemic. The deadliest one yet. A warning. It frightened them. Kept them at bay for two years. I figured if they'd just see the damage they had done, maybe it would all come to an end... I cleaned again. When I thought it was safe and I was healthy enough to walk again, I called the disease back. 

Things turned as civil as they could while they recovered. I was happy. I avoided them as much as possible, tired of it all yet relieved that it had quietened down.

But things didn't stay quiet for too long. They started again. This time with more fervor.  I realized what I'd done now. my mistake. I'd just given them a new ambition. a new challenge. now they were thirsty for immortality. They wanted to progress so much now, so that they can one day defy death. I realized then that I had created a monster. Something that'll destroy everything that came in its path if it meant they'd get what they want. they'll never care about protecting my children, my planet, or even me. they'll go on and on and on till either they burn themselves out, or burn me out.

It's been years since that day. I'm here now alive, yet barely. They didn't stop after that and things turned bad quick. they went too far this time. they broke me bit by bit, and left only shards. Now as I lie here. Amongst millions of corpses, the result of a war gone wrong. everything I have ever known was in ruins. everything I'd loved was gone. so I lay there, Bloodied and black. Charred from fire, thinned, at my last breathes. I wonder why I did it. I regret my gift and how it turned out. and I wonder if the earth can ever live without a soul.