I sat in the room with the tv on, just staring at it. I've been real...in my head since I came back. Really been thinking on getting my apartment a whole lot more now. Well I have it, just need to move into it. Everything's been feeling weird. I don't even wanna be here anymore. I'm uncomfortable.
Like to the point where I don't wanna leave this room. So I haven't. I only open it when Lynn needs me. That's really just in the mornings for school. But for the most part she's been sleeping with me so I don't have to.
Crazy thing is....I haven't held my baby..... I don't know what it is but I just can't get the urge to go and get him. I'll say i'm going and then as soon as I get up, I sit back down.
I'm scared. Two weeks I was gone and even when he was born, I wasn't actually there to give him that motherly love. I'm scared that if I get him he won't like me, or he'll cry to get away from me. That'll break my heart a whole lot.
I don't know what to do. At some point i'm gonna have to face the fact. But I wanna get it together. I know Beyoncé won't like the fact that i'm moving. It's final though. I've talked to myself long enough about it and that's what I wanna do.
Dj's gonna help me, he said it. The other day they called me on a group call to check in, I told them I wanted to. He said he'll pull his truck out and do it for me. I'm thankful.
After laying there for so long, I decided to go get in the shower. I've had to change my routine due to these stitches. Plus being asleep for two weeks, my skin has gotten really dry. Nobody even came to lotion a bitch down or nothing. Heavy eye roll.
It's whatever.
I just know that i'm about to move, get a peace of mind and stay to myself. A lot of shit is just rubbing me wrong.
It was a pretty long shower, I washed my hair. The shit was super dry too. I'm just all over the place honestly. That one thing fucked so much up. Swear I was doing so good...
"Onika!?" The sound of Beys voice stopped me from detangling my hair. I paused, staring at myself in the mirror for a couple seconds. Just hoping that she would leave. "Onika?" She knocked on the bathroom door and I sighed. Damn it.
I can't keep ignoring her. Especially in her own home, it's beyond disrespectful. So I opened the door and looked at her. She stood there with the baby on her shoulder, surprised to see me I guess.
"Hey...you left the room door unlocked so I got lucky." She chuckled stepping in making me look at her weird. I never said for her to come inside but okay I guess. "Can we talk?"
I simply shrugged going back to my hair. No matter what she says, i'm not changing my mind. I'm not sure if she knows about me making up my mind to move or not. I wouldn't be surprised if one of them told her. Doesn't matter though.
"First off....how are you feeling?"
I shrugged again, honestly not knowing how I feel truly. Just mute, blank, lost. Mostly disappointed in her and myself.
"Come on...talk to me."
The constant pushing won't make me talk to her. I don't care to talk to her. It's obvious that she's the one signed me in. Momma wasn't there and Daddy damn sure wasn't there. There's only her left. Im not completely stupid.
Just the way Essence is going about it, I know it was her.
"Well since you won't talk to me, talk to our son at least. It's been a week and you haven't even held him." She stood from the toilet. I looked over at her with a scrunched face, slightly afraid. Okay she's moving too fast. "Come on. Wash your hands. Now."
