Idk How To Feel

Calm Before the Storm

December 24th, 2002... that's where this all began. I was born that day. Born into a family whom I thought would be normal. Mother and father separated... my mom became that stereotype of a single black mother within society.. nothing new, right? I would say that when I was born I was her peace.. but that would be a lie. There's not much to cover until I turned 5. Everything before that age seemed..perfect. Either that or I was too much into my own fantasy life to pay attention to how the world developed.

Once I had turned 5.. everything was confusing.. I was always known as the nice and helpful child in the family that always had a smile and was always so welcoming to others.. either that or I just got too comfortable with people at a young age but.. who in their right mind would want to touch a 5 year old.. practically innocent and vulnerable at that age, right? Sorry.. maybe I got ahead of myself too quickly. I didn't mention.. I was born into a huge family.. 4 older brothers.. 2 older sisters.. then me. So yeah, parents had a lot to deal with. I only had 2 full siblings; the rest are half but my mom doesn't like when they're identified as that.

Of course when you have older siblings they have a lot of friends both male and female that they love to hang out with.. when you meet their friends.. and they pinch your cheeks and tell you how cute you are. Or they give you hugs and kisses and show you so much love.. similar to the teachers at daycare that would hug me.. kiss me.. and that is how I contracted HSV-1. But at that age.. I didn't know anything. I've seen a lot of my siblings friends come and go.. they were nice people.. handsome too. But I looked at them as older siblings.. they were nice to me.. loving, kind, caring, playful. So.. how would someone who was welcomed into our home feel so comfortable enough to treat me this way.

Every family has family friends. The family friends we had came from way back from when my mom was growing up. Anyways.. that family had all boys.. 4 to be exact. My brothers were always getting in trouble with the law.. so frequently. It was very upsetting to see my mom hurt multiple times by their actions when they left the house. It would hurt my feelings as well but at that age I was "too young" to understand. One of my brother's had this friend.. he was one of our family friends. They were around 14-16 years old at this point. Tall, Darkskin, Nice smile, etc. he was like a brother to me. Till this day.. nobody knows what had happened.. but since this book is anonymous. I can't explain how it happened.

My house had 3 levels.. basement, main floor, upper floor.. and ofc an attic but whatever. My mom was upstairs.. brother and his friend went to the basement.. i was sitting in the living room on the main floor. All my other siblings were outside with their friends. While my brother was in the basement his friend came upstairs and sat beside me on the couch but not too close I gave him space as I figured he was just waiting for my brother. I was just excited because I thought he was gonna watch my show with me. He kept looking at me.. and smirking.. but I thought he was just being nice so I would smile back. I offered him a snack..water.. just being a nice kid.

"Come sit beside me..let's watch the show" he said. Again I was excited someone wanted to watch my show with me. As I was watching the show.. he placed me on his lap.. now, it was common for me to sit on my siblings and their friends laps as they made me feel comfortable and my sibling(s) were always around to keep an eye on me. This time.. I felt a bit uncomfortable because he kept adjusting himself..touching me and staring at me. I decided to move and just sit beside him. As he adjusted himself.. he slightly grabbed my face. "Let me kiss you on your neck" he said. At that point.. I didn't know how to feel.. I didn't know what that meant.. I was young. I laughed it off. As he heard the footsteps of my brother coming up from the basement he quickly moved and they left the house.