it happened in august

chapter two: Augustine

     I'd lived here my whole life, so when I say I'd always been in love with James, I'm not lying. Ever since we were kids there was just something about him no one could ignore. All the girls would watch him play basketball during recess from the playground, giggling and pretending like they weren't talking about him whenever he looked over at them.

I sat with them but he never looked at me. Not like that.

And when he first started learning to skateboard, he would always practice on my street. At first I didn't understand why, seeing as it was several blocks from his own house but then I realized he just didn't want anyone to see him fall. Which he did. Frequently. Still, I watched him for those few weeks, scrape his knees, kick his skateboard away from himself, maybe even curse. But he always got back up.

Sometimes I'd wonder if I should've gone out. Offered to help him, even though I would've been even worse than him. Coordination never had been one of my strong suits. Still maybe I would've made him laugh.

~~~

By the start of freshman year, me and all those girls had more or less fallen out with one another, not that we had been super close to begin with. I mean, we still sat together at lunch, I was still on the cheer squad with them. I was just sort of...separated.

Betty was their new shining jewel, the one everyone wanted to talk to. She was oblivious to it all but still hung out with them after school. Lunch time she wouldn't sit with the squad, she would sit with Inez Lopez, giggling and gossiping. As awful as it was, I wanted Inez to stab her in the back. I think we were all secretly waiting for it, the fallout of their friendship but it never happened. No one knew what to make of it, least of all me.

Of course, once her and James, my James got together...I just tried not to think of her. It hurt, more than I cared to admit.

All these years, I'd always thought that one day some sort of magic would happen and he would finally look past everything else and he would just see me. I had such an absurd amount of faith in that fantasy. And even after they got together, I still believed in it until that one day at the end of sophomore year.

~~~

I was walking down the street towards my house when I heard them. If I had just been five minutes later, I wouldn't have. Wouldn't have heard them, seen them, any of it. But of course, I was always right damnably on time.

They were sitting on the porch swing, her head in his lap, his hands twisted in her hair. She said something, or maybe repeated whatever she'd already said and he laughed. James laughed, something I realized I hadn't heard since maybe first grade. And she smiled, like the winner of a contest, a prize and I guess looking at where she was and where I was that was a fair comparison.

James leaned down, his face closer to hers, saying something I couldn't hear. If she just sat up, they would be kissing. The thought made my stomach twist. I knew I should have left, walked down a different street to get to my house, just run past and pray they were too caught up in each other's eyes to recognize me.

But I didn't. I stood there underneath the streetlights as he said something else, I could barely tell they were talking now. Slowly, she sat up, facing him. My feet were stuck and I was frozen as I watched her lips meet his. Once. Then again. And again.

Before I could stop myself, I ran past his porch, keeping a steady pace as I felt the hot tears sting my face.

So this was how believers die. Not because of wanting to stop but because they have no choice. Because it just hurts too much to keep going on. That was me.