Missing Pages

Ergo

He cleared his throat and licked his lips - the nerves prickling his skin. As the silence echoed through the empty halls, he finally spoke;

"I had too much love to give. 

Yes, I know. Don't give me that look. I'm surprised myself - but it turns out, I do. Too much love. Too little people. Well no, to be more specific;

There was only you."

She tilted her head. 

Never in a million years could she understand where this was heading and why it was taking so long for him to get the words out - as if they were built up for so long the strings had entangled with one another.

He took a breath.

She watched.

He spoke again.

"I wasn't aware that I could love. All i knew is that I cared for you deeply, shouldn't that have been enough? I've cared for you most and I'd have given anything to see you smile.

When you did, it felt like a drift of wind during a summer breeze,

it felt like a breath of fresh air after a good swim,

the taste of hot chocolate in the chills of winter, 

and i knew I needed to see it again."

He gulped. It was getting sappy. Cool. He made a quick glance to see her reaction and for once, he couldn't read what it said. Or could he? Was he lying to himself?

God, there was no time to fret. He can't bear to look at her after this next part anyway so on with it.

"I'm not...Well, you know, as my best friend of course you know how crazy I am. Not exactly right in the noggin'" He tapped his temple a few times, laughing to himself (mainly to calm his nerves)

"So I know, I know the reason I sacrificed living my own life in order to make yours the best it can - it was because mine was looking bleak. Really bleak. I don't- Well, I didn't think i'd live as long as I have to be honest.

But then time re-introduced itself, the clock ticked, some moments passed briefly but some lasted a little longer and lingered, leaving a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I mean, why did I enjoy my time here so much? I wanted to leave. Yet again, the mere relief that I even enjoyed any time here..it felt nice.

And these moments. You were in them."

His lips began to tremble, "I-i mean not all the moments! Of course! My dogs give me hope to live! And! Well, well I, and, and of course.."

A pause.

"And of course..."

..Wait.

Why couldn't he...find another reason?

Is it just her? Is she the reason he's still here?

That's..

terrible. Burdening. She has a life and he has his own.

Yes, he has his own life with the...with..he has..

..Does he?

He glanced at his fingers, curled up into fists. What did his nails look like? He couldn't remember. His eyes trailed down to his clothes - the same ones he wore whenever he left the house. He had never even gotten anything new, had he? His foot tapped repeatedly against the floor, the thump thump thump attempting to distract his thoughts from straying farther.

Don't go there, █████.  Dangerous territory.

And he was aware. Deep down he was aware of that line he never crossed, the string that was unraveling under the weight of things it wasn't meant to carry. But he wasn't going to touch it, I mean, one look and it would've broken down! Yes, it was struggling but it could hold itself together, right? It could still hold that weight.