you're on your own, kid

three) just to learn that you never cared;

Chapter Summary: Addison and Jonathan make the drive to Lonnie's in the search for Will. Addy reflects on her fallout with Steve before she and Jonathan confront Lonnie.

A/N: I just wanted to pop in and let you guys knows that there is some homophobic language used in this chapter. It's not directed at anyone in the moment but it is said when Jonathan is confronting Lonnie. I hope you all enjoy the chapter!

***

November 8th, 1983

Jonathan doesn't ask questions when they get in the car, and she's thankful. They both do really well talking things out with each other, but they never push unless they need to. Now's not the time, for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because Addy's hanging on by a thread. This was just the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camel's back. She had every right to react the way she did, and yet, she still feels guilty that she didn't turn back around.

How long has she dreamt something like that would happen? How many times has she thought about what she would say or about what she would do? And when the time came, she let anger get the better of her. She hates that she did that. She hasn't allowed herself to feel anger towards him, because she's never really blamed him. She guesses it must be different experiencing his indifference first hand. It wasn't soul-shattering the way it was two years ago, when she turned up at the playground, fully expecting to see him again for the first time in weeks, and maybe, just maybe, finally tell him how she felt. But it still hurt.

She shifts a little in her seat as Jonathan merges onto the highway, her hair blowing in the cool breeze coming in through the crack of his windows, and she rests her head against the frame, closing her eyes to try and push away the sadness in her bones and the worry in her heart.

For a moment, she thinks that she might be able to fall asleep, but the melancholic notes of an all-too familiar song start dancing through the speakers, bringing back the tears that Addison had managed to wipe away before they pulled out of the parking lot of the school.

"Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you..."

She blinks rapidly, reaching up a hand to wipe her eyes before Jonathan can see her tears. It's a long way to Indianapolis and she's nowhere near ready to talk about the swirling fury of emotions that are brewing like a hurricane in the depths of her chest.

What kind of sick joke is the universe playing on her? Steve finally glances her way, and she reacts exactly the way she didn't want to, and nothing about the moment is how she imagined it. And now the song that she associates the most with them, the one they used to sing obnoxiously in the empty Harrington house while Steve made dinner, the one they used to always burst into whenever anyone around them mentioned their favorite movie, the one that she's been listening to alone for over eight-hundred days, knowing, deep down, that she can't let him go, no matter how stupid it sounds. Maybe the anger she's feeling should be focused on the stars, because she can't live in a world where she wants it to be aimed towards Steve.

"I know I'm just a fool who's willing.
To sit around and wait for you.
But, baby, can't you see?
There's nothing left for me to do?
I'm hopelessly devoted to you."

Her eyes close a little tighter, as she tries her best to think of anything else. She should be focused on what they'll say and do when they get to Lonnie's, of ways they can find Will, but instead, she's transported through her memories and filled with a rush of entirely new emotions as her mind settles in the Harrington House a little over two years ago.