Izzy & Noah ✔️

Fifty-Two: Me, Myself, and I

"One day, it will get easier. One day, you'll feel like you're finally back in control, like every step you take will come with less weight. But I know the road ahead is long. I think about your panic attacks, especially considering they've been part of your life for years now. When did it all start? I never asked." He looks at me with that gentle, encouraging gaze, pushing me to open up.

"I need to think for a second. It started about five years ago, with my ex. The whole situation that went down... it made me feel like it was only going to get worse. As long as I didn't lose my body to it. I was still struggling, though. Exercising, eating well, doing yoga, mindfulness... but the problems just kept running deeper. Honestly, until today, I thought I had it all under control. I thought I could handle it, and then all of this happened. It made me realize I was wrong." I pause, letting the weight of the words sit between us.

He watches me closely, waiting for me to continue. "How did your parents react to all of this? Did they even know what was going on with you?" His concern is palpable, his eyes full of worry.

"They didn't know," I answer, shaking my head. "I hid everything. Maybe they suspected, but no one ever said anything. It kept getting worse, and as my ex became more violent, and my family became harder to deal with, I just... I fainted. I didn't think I could take it anymore. I just wanted it to end, but I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't take my own life, even if I thought it would make everything easier. I knew it would disappoint everyone, even if they didn't care about me." I feel the sting of those memories, the weight in my chest as I speak. The tears I couldn't cry then feel like they're creeping up now.

The cold settles over me again, and Noah seems to sense it.

"Does it feel uncomfortable talking about it?" He asks, his voice soft but full of concern.

"No. It doesn't. I thought about it all the time, but I never told anyone. Not until now." I glance up at him, my voice quiet but steady.

"Never?" He looks at me, surprised. "You've never told anyone?"

"No," I say, my voice a little shaky. "Who would I tell? I lost my friends when I started dating my ex. I didn't have the right people around me. I never really knew how to connect with anyone. It's hard for me to build relationships. My connections with people are... distant. People always say I come across as cold, unapproachable. But I don't know how to change it." I swallow hard, feeling the weight of what I'm revealing, but somehow, it feels like a small relief to finally say it out loud.

"I thought so too when I met you," Noah says with a soft smile. "You looked very closed off. Inaccessible."

I laugh, a quiet sound that feels good to let out. "It can't be that bad, right?" Then, as I look at him, I realize how true his words are. "But I guess, somehow, you've managed to break through the wall I put up against everything, against all foreign views."

He smiles knowingly, and there's something comforting in the way he looks at me. "I liked you just the way you are. Simple, sweet, and confusing," he says, and I can't help but laugh with him.

The laughter dies down, and an overwhelming sense of peace fills the space between us. How can I be happy about this? That I met him, that he has brought me peace when I thought peace was impossible. That through the hardest times in my life, he's been here, standing beside me, offering support. We're in this together. We'll make it through, even when the time comes for us to say goodbye.

But that part... the goodbye... I still can't quite accept it. I still can't fully grasp it, even though I think about it over and over.

Noah pulls me from my thoughts, his voice soft but warm. "Maybe it's time for us to go to bed. You've got a check-up tomorrow, and I have work. It's late."