never know [N. SEBASTIAN]

0.4

I've been sitting in the dark of my room for about an hour now, the only light source coming from the muted tv playing some adult swim show.

I blankly watch it with my back against the headboard, picking at my fingers.

I had just gotten off the phone with the nearest women's health clinic. I have an appointment tomorrow morning, I don't know how I got the spot but they got me in fairly quickly.

it'll be my first check up with the baby and now I've got 2 big things on my mind to flare up my anxiety.

Noah and the well-being of my baby.

"wrenny?" I hear from outside the door.

knowing who it is, I get out of bed and unlock the door, letting Matt open the door and walk in.

I'm sat back on the bed when he walks in with food.

"I brought you some food, I wasn't sure what you wanted so I just got you some chicken alfredo."

the smell brings a large smile to my face.

"thank you, matty!" immediately, I start digging in.

"of course. the boys all wanna go out for sushi, do you want me to stay here with you?"

"no, no it's okay. I'll be okay, go have fun and enjoy your last night off before y'all have to get back to work. thank you for the food!" I say with a smile, my mood instantly lightened because of the food.

he offers me a wide smile at how happy I am, "alright, well just call me if you need anything, we won't be gone too long." he gives me a kiss on my forehead before walking towards the door when he pauses.

"do you still want to talk to Noah?" he asks, slight stiffness in his posture as if he were scared to ruin my mood.

"uh yeah, I was actually planning on talking to him later tonight. don't worry about that right now matty, go enjoy your night. I love you."

"I love you too wren."

——

well the food didn't last very long in my stomach. 30 minutes after I finished, I was leaning over the toilet.

this pregnancy stuff isn't fun.

I'm currently in the kitchen eating a banana, which is disgusting might I add, but the baby wants it. I fight the urges to gag, even though right now it seems delightful, my brain can't get over the texture.

the house we're staying at is quiet without the boys, it's in a secluded area with trees all around and a fence around the back.

there's two sliding glass doors in the living room that lead out back towards the pool.

"are you eating a banana?" I hear someone ask.

my eyes widen like a deer caught in headlights.

it startles me to the point where I drop the banana, "jeez Steve, I was eating the banana." I grumble jumping down to clean it up.

all the boys follow closely behind him entering the house, all spotting me.

"don't you hate bananas?" he asks.

I clear my throat, "uh yeah, I uh just uh.. anyways hi boys." I offer a timid smile.

I get cheers in return before I'm scooped up in a group hug by 4 of the boys.

"guys," I say trying to catch my breath. "can't. breathe."

they pull back, "sorry dude, we just missed you!" folio says, soft look in his eyes.

I wonder what Matt told them.

"I missed you guys too, sorry I've been so distant."

"it's okay we all have those days, I'm just glad you're okay." Noah says, pulling me into his side.

being this close to him makes my heart flutter and my cheeks turn a light shade of pink.

this might be the last time he'll want to be this close to me.

they all again begin conversation before going separate ways to get ready for bed and tomorrow as 10pm was rolling in.

once more I'm left alone in the kitchen, a small weight of guilt lifted off my shoulder for basically ignoring them.

deciding on getting some fresh air I walk outside to the pool where I sit down with my feet in the cold water.

the blue lights illuminate the area creating a softness within the dark.

the warm air kisses my skin, leaving a sticky feeling behind.

I want this baby, I've already decided that. whether I get a good reaction or not, this baby is mine and I wouldn't miss this chance to have them.

under my baggy sweater, my hand instinctively makes its way to my small stomach. I look down with a small smile on my face, my worries fading as I think about the beautiful being that I'll be carrying for the next 9 months.

someone sitting next to me makes me look up.

"hey." I say with a small smile. noah offers a small one back.

"hey, you okay?" he asks, his soft eyes searching mine.

I look back towards the water and blink away the tears that came up following his question. I clear my throat, "honestly?"

he nods his head.

"uh I don't know. I need to tell you something and please don't get upset. I don't think I handle you being upset with me right now."

at this he turns his body towards me, his hand softly placed on top of mine, rubbing comforting circles on the back of it.

he doesn't say anything, just sits there patiently waiting for me to explain.

"I know you might not want to speak of this but uh," I pause, quietly clearing my throat as even more tears threatened to spill. "that night. when we uh, you know."

it was something we had never spoke of, we both remembered it though. it was awkward for a day but then we just went back to how we were before, never mentioning a word of that night.

he takes a deep breath in but doesn't take his hand from mine and still continues rubbing circles on it.

"I uh, okay um.." slight panic corses through me as I forget how to form a sentence. Noah seems to notice this as he speaks up.

"hey, it's okay. what's up?"

my watery eyes meet his, "noah, I -" I swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm pregnant."

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