Delirium - Tom Kaulitz Fanfic

Chapter 11 - I'm Not Sure

Chapter 11 - I'm Not Sure

2023

I held a copy of Shakespeare's Hamlet in my hands, sitting in the centre of the room's floor.

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be".

My makeup was strewn over one corner of the room, my bed was undone and stacks of books lay tilted on my table. The door was left ajar. I closed the page and stood up, stretching out my crossed legs grasping my necklace. My fathers ring. I breathed in to calm myself. I could smell the paint from the white chipped walls and the smell of old books merging with my new ones. The aroma of metal stung my eyes and I could still smell my lunch of a chicken burger despite my bedroom window being open. I opened my eyes and analysed my smooth olive skin hands. Two of my nails had broken, the others shaped into claws from my filings of freetime. I grasped my braided hair. I needed a haircut. A change maybe. It hurt looking in the mirror and seeing a vision of me that shouldn't exist. She should have stayed in my memories. In 2010. She should have aged. Grown. Lost weight, gained weight. But here she was staring dully back at me, dark circles like a zombie reanimated to life. Then I thought of them. My Tom. My Bill. My Georg. My Gustav. But mostly I thought of Tomi. His smile. His laugh. The silly faces he'd pull. His voice cracking. How grumpy he would get when he was tired. The jokes he'd crack to lighten my mood. How he held me. How I held him. How he would lick his tongue piercing without thinking. How he would recklessly drive causing an adrenaline outburst and scolding he'd cheekily want from me. I wondered how he was. If he was still the guitarist of the band. If he still thought of me. Whether his hair was the same. Maybe he cut his hair short. Or went back to dreads. Does he still wear the same clothes? How's his English without me helping him out? I wonder if he still thinks of me or if he remembers the way I smelt. I try to remember how he smelt. I can still smell him. Faintly. Just faintly. It's there. And I cling to it to keep my sanity intact with the hopes that by each day my body and mind recovers, I'm one more day closer to seeing him. Has he fallen in love? Has he got grey hair? Surely not. Not at - not - -no- not at 33...

"Remember I'll always love you." I whispered aloud praying to the heavens above, to the universe that Tom knows. That he knows.

He thinks I'm still dead.

"I'm here Tom." My voice cracked softly but I willed myself to not cry.

I tucked the fallen hair behind my ear and walked out of the room into the hallway leading to another door. Opening it, I saw a room of busy people situated at their workshops, getting their work done bustling away and saw my Doctor. Anna with her stethoscope in hand.

"Hello, Kaira. Good afternoon." she beamed.

I murmured hello and sat in my seat expectedly for the weekly injection.

"There you go. The vitamins for today. Soon you won't need them." she said cheerfully.

"Thank you." I said gratefully and released my breath of tension.

Michael, a friend I made quickly in the few months I was there and a worker from the England company strode in.

"Michael!" I stood up from my stool, alert.

He held his hands up, "I'm not sure. I'm sorry, Kai, I still cannot give you a timeframe-"

I pursued, "But you have to. I feel better. I'm even progressing in my writing in my journal of my childhood to now like you said. Memories of the past to cope with the trauma of now." I repeated the latter robotically from memory.

I gave a weak smile, "I deserve to know."

He looked behind his shoulders and a small smile broke through after a few moments of silence, "Two weeks..."

My eyes widened and I threw my hands into his, "Really?" I whispered.

"I'm not the one who was supposed to tell you. So act surprised when Doctor Anna tells you tonight." he whispered back and we walked around in the facility so no one could hear, "But it's happening. Your body has healed. Naturally you'll still be healing after and will need care for a few weeks. But we'll sort that out for you with the routines, medicines etcetera and let the people who you'll stay with know."

"Wait wait wait," I said as he led me through the busy white room. "Nobody said I was staying with anyone."

"Well you can't live alone. Not for a while at least. Not when you're reintegrating into society. Besides, we need to legally sort out the fact you're not dead and sort out the assets you left. Your house is not your house. Because you're dead. That stuff is happening tomorrow. The public will know a day before your release. And-" He stuttered. "Well your f-family will know 3 days before to sort something out for you. I can't imagine how this is going to go down but it's not my department, it's the other guys'. "

I said nothing but stared at my shoes. Scared but smiling I glanced up, tears in my eyes, "This is happening? I'll see my boys?"

He kissed my cheek, "Yes, my darling."

I hugged him tightly, threw my ams around him and squeezed, breathing heavily through my tears of joy. I breathed in deeply.

Tom, I'm coming.