Jax Angst (WIP tittle and book)

Chapter 4

Dear Diary,
Today was unbearable. I had three panic attacks again today. All for the same reason.

When I woke up the lights was still out. I went to my door and it was locked from the outside. Of course I made a key to my door and wandered the building. I went to the grounds and watched the sunrise. I had a chat with the Moon and Sun before I heard the alarm. I went to run inside and the door was looked. This door didn't have a keyhole.

I have Cleithrophobia. I hate being locked in areas, let alone outside. At first I banged on the door but no one could hear. I could hear them talking about where I was. What if they think I've been killed, or even abstracted. This was my first panic attack of the day. I was out there for three hours. I could hear everyone but Gangle and Kinger. I can understand why Kinger isn't talking but Gangle, she's normally cheerfully talking. Until I break her comedy mask.

Luckily Caines task today was an outside one, resulting in Bubble finding me. Apparently he was placing candy everywhere for a Halloween party game. Bubble went back in and informed Caine. I was still shivering when I got taken inside by him. Then everybody got a big talking to about leaving when it's lights out. Then while everyone got a head start I got lectured again.

He was being more aggressive than last time. He was screaming at me and even tried to get a swing at me. By then I was shaking and whimpering. I have another phobia, Phonophobia. It's the fear of being yelled at. As soon as I took my basket and left, I locked myself in a shed. Gangle found me and asked if I was okay. Her blue ribbon arms were rapped around me. Pomni also came along and quickly read the room. I'm not good at reading social clues.

The two calmed me down and helped me back up to my feet. Some of them gave me their chocolate and candy to get me started. Once we found all of the tiny delights, Caine saw I had the most in my bucket. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes. I don't want to hurt nor talk to him.

We got to eat the treats and I did share mine out so we all had an even amount. I'm sort of enjoying it here now. I've been a lot better to everyone recently, but Caine. I feel like he's been using me as a tool. He wants to start an actual performance for the people we once was. He wants me to be the leader, other than him because he's the ring master, to attract more people.

Last week I was being forced to attempt a double front flip off of a 6 meter wall. I ended up almost breaking a leg, and my neck. I didn't do it and he's forcing me to practice. Which I haven't been.

Then we got to dinner and the table was covered in a, what I was told was a red cloth , but blue to me. There was cutlery for everyone but me. Caines excuse was he ran out and I was a rabbit so I shouldn't need cutlery. What a bitch. It was Sunday so it was roast dinner. While everyone got some chicken, I got vegetables. That's when I lost it.

I grabbed the plate and smashed it on the floor. One of the shards flew into Gangle and Caine. It did break Gangles mask and one of Caines tooth. I stormed out, cussing at Caine for treating me like an actual rabbit. Also how I was once a human and I have feelings. The last phobia I have is Anthropophobia. I was a test subject for video games that affected real life. I watched a lot of people being abused and hurt. We was all mistreated. (This is a learned phobia.)

Feeling like this again after four years was terrifying. For the rest of the day I sat in my room. Making keys to calm down. It just made me more stressed. I ended up sitting in the corner and slept.

Let's hope tomorrow isn't as bad as today.
~ Jax