Edward Snowden, An American Werewolf in Russia

Why Does My Girlfriend Go Into Labor At The Absolute Worst Times?

At my new apartment, I take a look at my beloved plants that I've unpacked here. One of them is a beloved fern, named for my sister Jenny. How I miss her and would do anything to see her again.

As I'm reminiscing about my old life, I hear a ring at my door. I walk up to go get it.

And who should come up but Jeremy himself?

"Jeremy?" I ask. "What the hell are you doing here?"

He doesn't notice, let alone speak to me.

"I said, "What are you doing here?" I ask.

Still no response. It's at this point I can't take it anymore, and start shaking the bastard as if there's no tomorrow.

"What-the-hell-are-you-doing-here?" I ask, shaking the bastard with all my might.

"Still not speaking to you," he finally tells me.

"Really?" I ask. "Dude, I thought we were friends!"

"So did I!" he exclaims. "But then, you had to be a dipshit and sever our ties!"

"Look, it's not my fault! It's this...thing they put inside of me for some reason-" I tell him, before I'm abruptly cut off by my old "friend" in question.

"You better thank your lucky stars it's not a full moon out tonight, because boy, am I gonna fu-"

Suddenly, I feel a sensation encompassing my old "friend." Oh, right. Forgot he was a werewolf.

But he certainly doesn't look like any ordinary wolf this time. Oh no, he's more like a regular wolf on steroids. No, scratch that and make it to, werewolf on steroids.

And God, is he terrifying. As he tries his hardest to destroy me, pummeling me like I'm some sort of monster, tossing me around like a pro wrestler, I can do nothing but merely grip in pure and utter terror.

"Look..." I tell my ex-friend. "I don't like you and honestly, I don't think you like me much more. However, we were both friends, and honestly, I'd hate to throw that away so quickly..." as my arm starts to sprout hair "...before I return the favor!"

And God, do I return the favor! We start fighting each other like we're pro wrestlers or animals in a nature documentary, or, knowing humanity itself, pro wrestlers in a nature documentary. It's at this point that neither of us care if we really hurt each other- we're far too furious at each other for that to even be conceived.

But then, I take a look at what appear to be bags in the corner of the room. Packing bags. And they look awfully important.

So that means...someone is actually moving in to live with me!

I don't know whether to be excited or not, but for now, I'm honestly quite skeptical. Luckily, I don't have much time to be skeptical, because as it turns out, my new roommate is finally here.

It's my girlfriend.

"But...how?" I ask.

"How is never as important as why," she tells me. "But, if you really want to know, I was able to get extradition to come here."

"You were?" I ask.

"Yes, I was, in fact," she tells me.

"Well, um...thank you, I guess?" I tell her. "Hope you don't mind the intense rules and mass surveillance."

"Not like over there was much better," she tells me. "In any case, I'm happy to finally see my boyfriend here."

I say nothing, but merely smile.

Suddenly, I feel something on her.

"Oh my god!" she says. "My water just broke!"

Oh right. I totally forgot that my girlfriend was pregnant.