Broken

Chapter 1

Katherine Beckett sat with her head in her hands, hair covering all angles of her face. Her leather chair creaked as she shifted her weight slightly. As far as she knew, no one was around. Everything was all too much. Her friends had all began to notice.

Gates noticed that she wasn't as fierce as she used to be. Kate was the best detective she had on the force, she was powerful, fierce, smart and courageous. She would watch through the glass during her interrogations. She didn't have the same 'edge' that she used to.
Ryan noticed that the usual glimmer from her eyes had gone. Her eyes were dull, and somewhat lifeless. They'd often look glazed over like newly cut glass. And they were almost always sorrowful.
Esposito noticed the change in her posture. She'd normally sit upright and alert at her desk. Now she almost always was hunched over, as if avoiding people altogether.
Martha had noticed that she was no longer as bouncy around the house anymore. She used to be so happy, she was like a breath of fresh air. Always smiling, giving a helping hand and having fun with Rick.
Alexis had noticed that she was no longer so happy around her and Rick. She'd always be willing to help everyone, but now she just kept to herself, went to bed early and rarely spoke during family meals.
Rick had noticed everything that everyone else had, and more. She always seemed like she was on the verge of tears, and at night she'd sleep on the edge of her side of the bed. She always wore long sleeves, and had no interest in sex. She'd chew on her hair a lot when she felt uncomfortable. Rick wondered what had happened to his wife, but she wouldn't share anything with him. Everytime he asked she'd just smile and say she was fine, the few times he persisted she got angry and he gave up.

Rick walked casually into the precinct bearing two coffee cups, he smiled as he walked over to Detective Beckett's desk. His face however changed to a frown as he noticed his partner wasn't quite right... Detectives Esposito and Ryan were looking sympathetically at her, but neither daring to ask her what's wrong. Rick walked up to their desks, giving them a questioning look. Ryan looked sadly at him, and Esposito shrugged his shoulders. He walked over to Beckett's desk, and sat in the chair facing it. Her shoulders were shaking slightly, and tears streamed down her cheeks. Her head was still bowed down but Rick could tell.
"Beckett?" He asked sympathetically, looking at his wife, "What's wrong?" She shook her head. "Kate, people are beginning to stare, and Ryan and Esposito are looking over, worriedly." She didn't realise that many people were there. She began to panic, people were watching her, goodness knows what they'd think. Her heart rate went up, and she quickly developed a thumping in her head. Her palms were sweaty and she felt light-headed. She lifted her head slightly, she saw a few people watching from the break room, Ryan and Esposito from their desks, and Rick from the chair. Everything was unnaturally bright. She got up, keeping her head low, grabbed her jacket and then ran for the stairs. Rick was left sitting in the chair, he turned around to Ryan and Esposito.
"Should I go after her?" He asked. He really did not know whether he should give her space, or if he should go after her.
"Give her space, bro." Esposito replied.
"I agree." Ryan added.
"I don't want her to be alone though..." Rick admitted.
"She'll be long gone now, do you have any idea where she will have gone?" Ryan asked.
"She might have gone home..." Rick replied, "I'll give it 20 minutes then call my mother and Alexis to see if she's there."
"And if she's not?" Esposito asked.
"I'll leave her 'till 9, and if still nothing, you guys'll help me look?"
"You got it, bro." Esposito replied.

I've got to get out of here. Beckett thought to herself as she ran for the stairs. She shoved open the door and began her descent. When she reached the bottom, she ran outside. She inhaled deeply, breathing in the cold, winter New York air. She put on her leather jacket and began her way to the park. She pushed through many busy streets. Her pulse rate was rapid and she was hyperventilating.

She made it to the park 10 minutes later, rain had just began to fall so it was deserted apart from a few couples. She sat on the swingset, the very same swingset Rick had proposed to her on, where she sat when she quit her job, where she and Rick talked after her shooting... Her breathing was still rapid, her heart rate still very high, and tears still streamed down her rosy cheeks. Why is this happening? She asked herself. Okay, Kate, you need to calm down. She hugged her arms around her chest. She then leant forward, with her arms on her knees and her head in her hands. She let herself cry. Her whole body was shaking as she cried. She couldn't stop, it was horrible. She felt so vulnerable. The rain was pouring harder now, so everyone else had left, she was alone. Her hair was dripping wet and her clothes were soaked through. Not even her jacket protected her from the rain. The self-inflicted cuts on her arms, legs and hips were stinging like hell. But she didn't mind the pain. Rick didn't know about the cuts, she managed to keep them hidden from him, for 3 months. That's how long she'd been doing it, only 3 months. She'd had suicidal thoughts much longer, but they'd gone for a while. Except now they were back, and they were stronger than ever. More than often she'd find herself staring at pills, making a noose out of rope and staring off the top of tall buildings at crime scenes, not to mention her gun, that was always in her mind. Her pulse rate was not as rapid anymore, and her breathing has slowed. She was still crying though. Everytime she thought she'd stopped, more tears began to fall.