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Is this a good time to end my life?
Von stood on a rock by the riverbank, watching the water rage as the heavens poured. Raindrops pelted on him and dripped all over his body; his drenched clothes clung to his skin.
When the sky rumbled, the earth also seemed to vibrate.
Yet, the fifteen-year-old lad remained unconcerned.
Or should I try again today? To find a reason to live?
He wondered when things had started to go wrong, what exactly had gone wrong.
As far as the whole world was concerned, he was not in a terrible place. He had good people around him. Life was okay, and he had no real reason to feel this awful.
But that was the thing. Everything was supposed to be fine, but he was not. Day after day, he would wake up with this void inside him that he didn’t know how to fill. He just wanted it to stop.
“Hello, there. Are you lost?” A mellow, male voice came not too far behind him.
Von spun around in surprise, not expecting anyone else to be near the place at this time. At the abruptness of his movement, he lost his balance. He reflexively grabbed onto something, but a plant growing in the crack of a boulder could only do so much to stop his fall. A wince took over his expression as his buttocks hit the wet river rocks.
He glanced behind him, his eyes widening in horror once he became aware of how close he was to the furious waters. His stomach lurched as the images of the rapids carrying him off and smashing him into boulders formed in his mind.
And it hit him suddenly. He didn’t want to die. At least, not in such a brutal way.
Raising his head, Von was greeted by the sight of a man who looked a few years older, holding a black umbrella.
“Are you lost?” the stranger asked again, his voice barely audible in the rain.
With a scowl, Von was about to answer that there was no way he’d be lost in a town he had been living in for years when he picked up that it might not be what the man had meant by the question.
He pursed his lips and averted his eyes, feeling like a child who had been caught doing mischief.
“Why?”
This time, it didn’t take long for the male teenager to get the stranger’s drift. Why do you want to end your life?
“And why not?” Von muttered, unsure why he was even answering this strange man. He stared at the plant in his hand and made out its little sky blue flowers. “People have all these grand reasons for continuing to live. They all seem to have their futures planned out, while I’m still here, stuck, not knowing what I really want.”
He remembered how his friends would often tell him how they dreamed of becoming successful on the path they would take one day. Some of them had this glorious aspiration to change the world. Others simply wished to find their true love.
And Von envied those people who had known all along where they would go in their lives.
“Things like desires; I just don’t have them anymore. Every day feels so empty that I might as well be dead. So do I need a reason? Do I need a reason for not wishing to live any longer?”
The stranger squatted and tilted his umbrella over the young lad. “Perhaps the reason why some people feel so empty is because of their false belief that one’s motivation to live should be something big. Dreams and purpose; they can be overrated sometimes.”
Von looked up to give the older man a quizzical look.
A ghost of a smile crossed the stranger’s lips as he continued, “I don’t have any noble dreams either. I don’t even know the purpose of my existence. Right now, the only thing I’m looking forward to is for the sun to shine again. But isn’t that a reason enough to wake up and see if the rain will stop tomorrow?”
Before his words could sink in, the man stood up, leaving the rainshade with the teenager, and turned his back. “You too can continue to live even if all you have are trivial motivations. For as long as it gives you the desire to see the future, then make sure to hold on to those little things, no matter how insignificant other people might think they are.”
As he comprehended that the older guy was departing, Von scrambled to his feet, knocking the umbrella away.
“Hey, who are you?”
He didn’t understand what exactly was going on, but a part of his mind told him that he had to learn more about this person.
The man paused. A faint smile still graced his lips when he looked over his shoulder. “Why don’t you try finding the answer to that question? Make it your purpose to live another day,” he said before walking out.
Von’s heartbeat raced while he followed the stranger with his gaze. The cold showers pricked his skin, causing him to shiver, and it occurred to him that he could still feel.
At last, he paid attention to his surroundings and noticed the same flowers blooming in the area; their blue petals and little yellow eyes gave color to the gray weather.
He turned his gaze skywards and saw the small rift in the clouds where the light was beginning to peer through.
The young man sighed. I guess I’m still alive.
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