i love you, but.. // lierra

27

Automatic - Alix Page

Luke should've known Calum would choose Sierra and not him. Damn, Luke himself chooses Sierra. Just not in the way she needs him to. All the voices in his head are mixed up, telling him to do this and that, but it only makes him paralysed. He can't physically move and make a step. Forward, back, right, or left. He's sitting frozen in his bed, only to then lay down, pretending to sleep, and try to make out which one of the voices is the loudest. The one that's telling him to cut off both of his friends because it's the easiest way out? The one that's telling him to go back to his parents' because he deserves to live in that burning house again? The one that's telling him to just kill himself because it's even easier than cutting them off? Or the one that's telling him to come to Sierra, begging for her forgiveness? Which one is it? The weakest one is telling him to start his medication again, but he won't listen to it. He knows that taking his meds will only make these voices shut up, leaving the loudest one. And then he will have to make a decision and face whatever consequences it brings.

These roaming questions drain him enough to drift off to sleep for just some time before Cory wakes him up. His summer break started this week, so he's at home a lot. The boy doesn't even mean to disturb him too much; he just wants Luke to put on a cartoon for him because Calum left for university early, only having made his brother breakfast. Luke crawls out of bed lazily, rubbing his eyes that hurt from the crying at night. Cory is neither blind nor stupid, so after choosing to watch "Up", he makes Luke sit with him. He's seen too many times how much just cuddling with Calum or Sierra and watching a movie helps him, so he doesn't waste any time and gets on Luke's lap, bringing as much chocolate as his small palms can carry.

Luke doesn't find much interest in the movie, despite never having seen it before, but when the main character dies and her husband is left alone, something hits Luke. He's been watching the first part of the film, seeing himself and Sierra in it clearly—just because he sees themselves in every movie with a romantic couple—and the death makes him realise that their places are actually swapped. He knows he'll die first, and Sierra will be the one left alone. Whether he dies now because of his illness or any other reason, or later in life, the time they've spent together will never be enough for Sierra. It won't be even enough for him. They have too little time with each other, and wasting it on being scared to move in with one another is just straight-up stupid. Not even ridiculous, just stupid.

"Are you leaving?" Cory asks when he sees Luke dressed and holding the keys in his hands. So he didn't go to feed Petunia or just to get his phone.

"Just for some time. Will you be alright? I'm sure Calum will be home soon." he replies, putting on his shoes. Cory nods, sighing, but he can't do much about it. "I'm sorry, buddy, I need to see Sierra, okay?"

Luke knocks on her door exactly at midday. Deep down, he kind of hopes she's not home; he hopes she doesn't open the door; he hopes she doesn't let him in or even let him talk. She interrupts his thoughts by putting the key in the keyhole.

"Luke? Why are you here?" she asks while he's simply standing there, unable to move or speak. The smell of burnt something is coming from her kitchen, and he knows she's just made or eaten breakfast. He's usually the one to make her breakfast.

He blinks at her, trying not to look down her neck because he recognises the shirt she's wearing—the see-through one. "I'm sorry." he blurts out, and she frowns at him. He takes a step forward, entering the flat and passing by her, then turns around to face her again. "I was scared—I am scared—but I know I can't make it go away by making you a villain. It's not right, and I'm sorry I asked you to do this. To break up." he takes her hands, and she sighs, relieved. "I was really scared that it wouldn't work, that I'd fuck this all up and lose you forever. But you're so worth the risk. And even if it's just for some time, I want to use it all to be with you and to live with you. If you still want me to." He has no idea how he's phrasing it all so well right now, but he really needs it to work.