LOVING YOU

Love can be real pain sometimes, especially when you fall for someone you can’t ever have. It’s like wanting to fly to the moon but being stuck on the ground. Our protagonist is head over heels for their crush, but alas, it’s a one-way street. They daydream about romantic dates, cuddles, and sweet nothings, but it’s just wishful thinking. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but life goes on, and who knows what neither amazing nor painful adventure waits for our protagonist.

August 23, 2022, that’s the day I first saw you, I haven’t been able to look away. I’m not sure why, but there’s something about you that is captivating and impossible not to admire. I realized that I had fallen for you on that very day. You’re smile, you’re laughter, and you’re voice are everything I’ve always wanted to see and hear. As time passes and days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into year, my feelings for you only grew stronger.

Each passing day feels incomplete without catching even a fleeting glimpse of your presence.  I find myself deliberately crossing paths with you, yearning to be near, to bask in your proximity. With every encounter, I extend a warm greeting and offer a heartfelt smile, even though the response remains absent. Yet, I console myself, for I have been granted the precious gift of witnessing your radiance up close, if only for a moment.

I always do stupid things when I see you, I shamelessly do crazy things, like that one time on teacher’s day and they conduct a modular class for teacher’s to have time for themselves and enjoy the teacher’s day. I wrote a message greeting for you with a confession joke on it, I was hesitant for a while if I will send you that stupid message because I know that message is kind of too much.
But still I sent it feeling a bit nervous about what you’re going to respond because I thought you’re going to be mad. but then there it is, you replied, I was scared to open and read it at first because I thought you’re going to be mad at me for my message because you look so scary and mad all the time and almost every student is afraid to have a joke on you, but eventually I opened it, you replied good morning and a thank you for my greeting. I sent you a following joke about asking you if you could like me back and you reacted a laughing emoticon on it.

Then the next day there was a program at our school for the celebration of teacher’s day, I was in my very best mood that afternoon before the program started, but my mood changed after I saw you with that guy from afar AGAIN! You two are laughing and talking to each other, I kind of felt jealous every time I saw you with him because I thought you two were together, but who am I to be jealous right? I let my feelings be because I don’t have any right to feel jealous because I only like you.

Then  fast forward it’s time to give our gifts to our teacher’s, me and my classmates stood up to give our gifts to our adviser and all of our subject teachers, then after we gave our gifts I just realized that I forgot to prepare a gift for you, but then suddenly someone gave me a flower and told me to give it to you, and without any second thought and with my trembling hands and knees I walked my way to you, I then taped your shoulders and gave you the flowers and said happy teacher’s day sir and then ran away in shame while the other teachers  and students  tease, with my heart racing so fast and a trembling knees and hands I ran to my classmates and walk with them to our room without looking back.

Then fast forward after a week I did another crazy thing to you because my cousin dared me, my cousin dared me to take a selfie with you and she bet I can’t, and me being me just to prove her wrong I did it, I waited for you at our school gate then I called and asked you if I can take a selfie with you and you asked why and I didn’t answer and just took a selfie with you and said thanks. After that I realized that I have already crossed my limitations. I wanted to avoid you; I forced myself not to show up in front of you. Every time I saw you walk at my direction I turn around and walk the other way just to avoid and not see you because I wanted my feelings for you to already stop, and also because of shame for what I did.

Then one time as I was scrolling on face book I saw your new post, I looked through your photos and you looked cute in all of it, but you’re much cuter in one of the videos, your smile is so cute and I can’t help but to watch it so many times. Then I read the comments and then there it is. I saw someone commented about something, and based on that person’s comment and your reply I think you’re with someone already, with the thought of you being with someone hurts, but I can’t do anything about it but just get hurt and move on.

Then I came to school, as soon as I saw you and we had that eye contact I immediately looked away, looking at you hurts me, it hurts because I knew that we can’t ever be together and you will never like someone like me. So from that day I decided to stop loving you because I’ll just keep on hurting my own self. I know it sounds so wrong and disgusting that I loved someone who’s much older than me and even worse a teacher, but I guess I can’t do anything with my feelings, I can’t dictate my heart to choose of whom to love. But I hope that I’d be successful of unloving you.

Admiring you from afar is hard; keeping my feelings for you to myself hurts, it’s as if I was torturing myself by loving you ever single day, for every stolen glance and wistful thought, carries the weight of unspoken words. Sometimes, despite knowing from the beginning that the love we feel for someone may not be reciprocated, we cannot help but continue to hold onto those emotions.

We are aware that pursuing this love will only lead to heartbreak, yet we choose to embrace what we feel for that person. We do not even attempt to stop these feelings, even though deep down we know that they are fundamentally wrong.

But I guess it’s time to dust off those shattered dreams and keep searching for a love that’s actually within reach. It’s time to look for someone who can love me back, and someone I can be with; freely.

But how can I love another person when I’m still in love with you? How can I stop these feelings that I have when every time I see you I can’t help myself but fall even harder? I always ask myself “why you?” of all the 7 billion souls in this world why did my heart choose you? Why someone I can’t have? And why someone who can’t even notice me? Those questions were always on my mind. But I hope one day I just woke up without having any feelings for you anymore.

I know that this is not the end of this story but I hope it ends sooner and better. I hope it ends without hurting me no more.