MINE!

Tears

"Cheers!"

Harry clinks his glass with mine and we take a sip of the champagne he just bought for us.

The restaurant we are sitting in is new, all glass fronted with crystal chandeliers and white roses adorn every glass table top, the lighting is romantic, my mood is not.

Harry is gazing lazily around the venue whilst sipping his champagne but my mind as usual is firmly on Travis.

When we dated we could never have afforded anything as fancy as this, we would never have needed it, our favourite way to spend a weekend afternoon was taking a blanket and some food to the park and lying on the soft fabric and making out under the sun, inevitably Travis would get too worked up and need more than just kisses and we would head home to make love however and wherever the mood took us.

"Hello. Earth to Taylor, come in Taylor"

"Sorry" I apologise sheepishly, aware of how much he paid for tonight and how distracted I have been

"So what did you do today?"

Do I tell him Travis came over to my apartment and we had another confrontation? 

What's the point? It will only cause problems between us and God knows I have enough problems at the moment without adding to them

"Not much, I worked from home so I didn't even see anyone to gossip about" I mean it as a joke but my voice is unconvincing and the mood falls flat once more

"Taylor..." he sets down his glass and takes my hand "Are we okay?"

Oh God, that question...

"I mean, I know you have had a lot to deal with, your ex and all that but, it hasn't changed what we have, has it?" His green eyes look wary as though he's preparing himself for disappointment

I don't know how to answer that question, can't even find the words to start

Has it changed what we have?

How do I tell him that it's changed everything?

The way I sleep, the way I dream, my enthusiasm for work, my appetite... for both food and sex

Travis being home has taken my world and shaken the entire thing upside down and I'm just sitting dazed in the middle of it as everything falls down around me

"No" I'm as big of a liar as Travis is.

I down my drink, his words from earlier ringing in my ears

'I was 18 years old where did you think I was getting the money from?'

Why didn't it dawn on me sooner what he was doing? That he was getting in deeper and deeper, If I hadn't had my head in the clouds thinking about furniture and candles and all that other rubbish, maybe I could have saved him and in the process saved us

"Taylor?!"

"Sorry"

"Will you stop apologising to me and start talking to me?!"

"I'm sorry" it slips over my lips and I slap a hand to my mouth

"It's Travis" he huffs as he pushes his plate away from him and rests an arm over the empty seat next to him

"I'm working through it, it's fine we're fine" I fake a smile and then reach and take his hand

"Taylor, I know it's only been 5 months but I want you to know that I'm serious about this, about us" I nod as my stomach begins to churn "if I have to give you some space to deal with whatever you need to deal with so that we get past Travis and leave him behind as we move on..."

My heart tenses at the thought of leaving Travis behind but I know it's what I have to do.

It won't work, we tried, over and over we tried and it didn't work

"Move In with me" it's out of my mouth before I can think about it and I see Harry's entire face lift into a shocked smile "Not my apartment, there's too many memories there of Travis but somewhere... somewhere else, somewhere we can start over. Maybe out of town, maybe England"

"Wait! Let's not carried away" He intertwines our fingers and then squeezes "let's start with 'not your apartment, somewhere else' and see where we end up, okay?"

I nod as tears sting my eyes and he raises his glass to my empty one "To new beginnings" he grins

"New beginnings" I whisper

**********************

"Fuuuuuck!" Harry rolls off me and lays on his back next to me "Fuck, you are so good Taylor. Do you want me to make you cum?" He asks and I cringe at him speaking the words as though sex was some sort of business deal between us "It seems only fair"

I shake my head "I'm fine, I'm a bit tired. As long as you're good?"

"Very, very good" he grins whilst removing the condom and tossing it into the trash can and then reaching to turn off the lights

"I'm going to clean up and I'll be right back" I assure him before putting on my robe and then heading to my dark wooden closet and taking a large T-shirt from inside.

Heading into the bathroom, I just manage to lock the door before my knees give way and I crumple to the ground, the bathroom door behind me providing my only support.

Clutching the T-shirt to my chest I bury my head in it to try and stifle the sound of my sobs

This was Travis' T-shirt, the only thing I kept of his, the thing I would slip on when I struggled to sleep, when nightmares of him in a jail cell proved too much for my mind to cope with.

When I had sex with a man that wasn't him and they left I would wrap myself in it and sob as I am now feeling dirty and deceitful.

Harry is my boyfriend, I have done nothing wrong but he isn't my love, he isn't the gaping hole in my chest that just won't stop bleeding no matter how many ways I try to fill it up

I slip off my robe and place the T-shirt over my head, sniffing it, desperate for just one hit of Travis' but his scent is long gone all that's left on it is the smell of me and the wetness of my tears