Dark Wishes

Chapter 4

I really miss you, and I know I say it too much, but I love you - with everything I have. You make me so fucking happy at times. I forget about all the bad times, all the down times, all the negatives. Just a moment of you loving me is like I'm drowning, hopeless and coming up for air. It's the most refreshing thing I could ever experience.
      I know you're going through a lot with Annie and everyone else, but the most I can say is, let me pick up the peices he can't carry. Let me be your wife, and I won't let you down. Talk to me when you're scared, let me hold you when you can't sleep. I'll chase away the bad dreams and I'll guard your heart when he won't. I'll never let anything hurt you if you'll give me that opportunity.
     You are worth everything of value in this world, and I don't ever want to let that go. Do you have the ability to hurt me? Yes, more than anyone I've ever met. Do the things you say affect me more than anyone else's words? Yes and I react based on what I feel. All my life I've felt it out of place, undesirable, and unhappy. Then I met you and Jason and my life changed. I felt loved and desirable. Kaitlin came into the picture and I phased out of it. Understandable, given the bullshit circumstances. But when he dropped me for her, I fell in love with you. Wholeheartedly, absent-mindedly, without a second thought. All of you. All of the broken peices, all of the hurt, the pain, the love and the beauty. All of it. All of you.
    I hate how much more you mean to me over him, but fuck, if I can't be your wife I don't know what to do with my life. You hurt me when nobody else can. You penetrate my armor when everyone else bounces off. You carry the most weight in my life than anyone I've ever let into my life.  All I ask is, if I give you my heart, don't stomp on it. Guard it, like I would yours. You deserve so much in this world and more. I couldn't even being to explain your value. As a mom,  as a wife,  as a friend. You're all I could ever ask for. 
     There's so much I could never say to you. I wish you loved me at the same depth I love you. I know you're not capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved or the way I need to be. But fuck, if I don't crave the way I look at you too be reflected into my eyes. Or the way I worship your body, every flaw and imperfection.
     You are everything and I make you out to be nothing. I can't stay at home without being a part of the two of you. It wasn't just him or nothing. I accepted him with you and your family. Your kids are like my own. I've accepted the fact that you don't want to have kids with me, as much as it hurts and as much as I can't stand not being able to raise a child with you. I understand. You're family means the world to me every last one of them.
     You're my home. And right now, I just want to come home.