After Effects

Chapter 41. - 'Avoidant Behavior'

I hurried into the girls bathroom. It smelled like cleaning supplies. I walked over to the sink where paper towels were stacked on the counter. I took 9 pieces of paper - a good number, the right number - and began trying to dry off my pants. I grinded the paper towels against my thighs to dry off. However hard i scrubbed and however much paper i used it kept on crumbling in my hands and against my pants. It was impossible to dry my clothes. There wasn't any hand drier in the bathroom so i couldn't just take off my clothes and dry it that way. My eyes stung and became blurred with tears. I threw out what must've been about 28 pieces of paper towels in the trash.

It didn't seem like there was anyone else in here so i took the opportunity to take the booth furthest away from the entrence. It seemed like the safest place for now. Like a corner i could hide away in. In this little corner i didn't have to be perceived. I could hide away from the world, my problems, my troubles, the weight of doing good in Eurovision, the anxiety in my body and mind, my fuck up and whatever the fucking hell was going on between Bojan and I.

I locked the door and sat down on the floor with my feet against the stall wall and leaned my back against the wall. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and trying my hardest to supress my emotions. I didn't want to cry. Someone wanting to kiss you seemed like a ridiculous thing to cry over in this situation.

My clothes were wet, cold, clammy. I was shaking from the cold, my lips were probably blue, but i wasn't sure, since i hadn't really noticed my appearance in the mirror.

I felt the wet fabric of my pants glue to my body, trapping me. I unbuttoned them of took them off as fast as i possibly could, then my top. I was still cold and shaking, but i had to take on my wet clothes again to get to my dressing room - where Bojan most likely was - to change, or i'd have to sit here, waiting for my clothes to dry which could take forever.

Though if it'd take forever i wouldn't need to see Bojan again.

I couldn't bring myself to see Bojan again tonight. Not after that. It'd be awkward and weird and uncomfortable and embarrassing and unpleasant and odd and just a whole lot of... something. It would just be weird.

And i shared rooms with him. I had to sleep with him. In the same bed. How exactly was that supposed to work? Would we just not talk? Or would we talk and touch and cuddle and act like i didn't just reject Bojan, one of my closest friends?

If we didn't sleep together perhaps everything would be forgotten by the morning. I just needed to avoid him for the rest of the night. By morning everything would be back to normal between us.

But what even was normal? What normal was there even to go back to? The 'normal' where we would continue time after time being caught in romantic moments or the 'normal' before Eurovision? Was 'normal' the one when we were still teenagers and hadn't yet drifted apart?

Bojan didn't even answer my question.

Why did we drift apart that summer?

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I got out of the bathroom after sitting in there for a little hour. My clothes was still wet of course, but luckily our dressing room wasn't far away. Before i turned every corner i went to look if Bojan was anywhere near. To my delight he was nowhere to be spotted.

If my mother could see me now she'd call me out for the way i was avoiding Bojan. Most people probably would, but she'd use some words she had a big love for; 'avoidance behavior.' Big words for a woman who never had the experiences i'd had. Avoidance behavior was something she'd stumbled upon on Facebook when i was younger and she became really obsessed with it. It's apparently very common in people with anxiety disorders and autism. It's a safety behavior and coping mechanism based on people avoiding the things that causes or triggers their anxiety. My mom loved calling me out for it - especially when i didn't want to leave the house or order food at a restaurant. I personally loved avoiding things (or people). It's very nice and freeing.