Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Forty-four

I turn in my seat, toward the general direction where Harvey is facing as he claps on the stage and continues his speech. My eyes find him, Mr. Jonah Gibbs, my Jonah, sitting at the table on the far-left side of the room, where I've had my back to all night. He's taking in the appreciation with a humble wave, standing up for a quick few seconds before sitting back down. I'm glued to my seat, sick to my stomach. I don't think he has seen me.

As my heart continues to pound painfully in my chest, Harvey speaks into the microphone, "Mr. Gibbs is also the cover story for next month's issue of our very own food magazine, The Harvest."

I feel really... really dizzy. My fists clench on my lap, so tight that I might be drawing blood.

"We'd like to recognize him for his very noble efforts in aiding the unhoused people in New York City with fresh and healthy, free meals, especially during the height of the pandemic lockdown a few years ago. It's been a long time coming—but he's a damn hard man to reach! Such an honor to have his presence tonight."

Faintly, I can hear the continuation of Harvey's speech, having moved on from Jonah to the Archer Foundation and finally, to the company. He talks about the recent changes in the company within the past year, until it's finally Freddie's time to shine.

All the attention in the room has turned to my husband, who's sitting right next to me. Harvey calls Freddie up to the stage, and I numbly let him take my face in his hand so he can plant a light kiss on my lips before he gets up from the seat and walks up to the front.

My hands are clapping, and there's a smile on my face, but I feel like I'm no longer inside my body. Freddie's talking about his big new responsibilities. People are laughing at a joke he makes. The room turns silent as he talks about his father and promises to make him proud. As he thanks Harvey for his guidance. And then I feel everybody's eyes on me.

"... and to my beautiful wife, Jo," Freddie says, eyes locked on me. I know the smile that he has on his face for me is genuine when he says, "Without your endless support, I wouldn't be brave enough to be standing here right now. I am... the man that I am today because of you. So thank you." I don't know if I'm only imagining the slight hitch in his voice. "Thank you for being with me. Thank you... for everything."

It was such a loaded sentence, and I can't help but feel my eyes water as I hold his gaze. I don't feel like I deserve it. What support have I given him, other than showing up in these pretty gowns? Yet, I also get the sense that he's thanking me like he's saying goodbye. And maybe he is. And nobody else in this room but me knows that.

The ballroom sputters into motion as Freddie leaves the stage. The quartet starts to play while people get up and surround my husband to congratulate him on his new position in the company. He's smiling and thanking everyone, and people pull him into hugs, and I only sit here watch from the distance.

I remain glued to my seat, faintly smiling and thanking everyone who comes up to congratulateme on my husband's success. I don't want to get up and cross the room and see Jonah. I don't want to know if he recognizes me and finds out what I've been keeping from him.

The diamond-encrusted ring on my finger begins to itch. But I know I can't take it off. Not here, not now. I pull my shaking hands into fists. The smile stays on my face. My body feels rigid like a statue. I know that my dress isn't tight around my torso, yet I find that I cannot breathe.

I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my ribcage and I can't pull in enough oxygen and I'm starting to feel faint. Fresh air. I need fucking fresh air. I pull myself up into standing and I wobble as I try to find the nearest exit because of these stupid fucking heels. I need to get out. I need to be somewhere else that's not this room and I need to go before Freddie notices that I'm gone or worse—