What the hell? I can't seem to do it right with women. First try lasted a week and was just awkward, second try, never actually got to meet the girl, third try, rejection, fourth try lasted two years which was good except parents hated her and all I did was hurt her, fifth try we went on one date but she ended up not actually having feelings for me and me falling madly in love with her, sixth try ended with the whole "I need to take time for myself" thing, seventh was the same girl as number three, only this time she said she felt something was between us then stopped talking to me after. But every time this happened, I learned something. So to all those girls who supposedly broke my heart in high school, you did what no one else could for me. You taught me respect, restraint, appreciation, sensitivity. So thank you. I guess through all of it I wasn't the best that I could be ya know? I would either be too sexual, or not sexual enough if that makes sense. Actually a better way to put it would be I was too sensitive. Either way I was doing it wrong. Maybe I just need to know someone better before I try to date them, be their friend before boyfriend. Seems simple enough. Passion! That's the word sometimes I wouldn't have enough passion or too much likewise. But yeah seems simple that I would need to know someone better beforehand. It's just sometimes my own eagerness to please pushes me to doing stupid things like the hopeless romantic I am. I just have this insatiable urge to make something happen in my life, something meaningful and interesting. Something I can tell people about. Maybe that's me begging for attention but I can't control myself. It's gotten better with the, albeit ironic, help from past relationships but it's still there like a bad habit. I hate it and it's driven me to the point of depression because I'm too stubborn to do something for myself. My life isn't all that bad. I've got a loving family, I'm a smart kid, I'll survive this great big broken world we all call home. Maybe I won't be happy like I want to be but I'll be alive and that's enough for me. No more love no more crushes. Just silence and pain. No more. No less.
