Flugel der freiheit im literatur {Bsd x Aot x Orv}

G-U-I-L-T-Y

Dazai woke up at the rising sun, he slept beside Rubi's bed the night and as he woke up, the first thing he saw was Atsushi sitting next to her, and silently crying.

"Rubi-nee, wake up...we need you...Kyouka-chan is dead, Kunikida-san is dead, Poe-san is dead, Higuchi-san is dead. They are all dead...please...come back...don't you die as well...please..."

Dazai's throat constricted with something bitter and sticky as he heard Atsushi. He suddenly remembered Odasaku's words.

"𝐼𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑐𝑎𝑛'𝑡 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑡𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑏𝑎𝑑, 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑎 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑 ℎ𝑢𝑚𝑎𝑛. 𝑆𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑟𝑝ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑠, ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑒𝑜𝑝𝑙𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑."

'Why did I suddenly remember that?' He felt something burning in his eyes.

'𝐿𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙, 𝐷𝑎𝑧𝑎𝑖. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑛𝑒𝑟 𝐼 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒." 𝑇ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐾𝑢𝑛𝑖𝑘𝑖𝑑𝑎'𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑖𝑚.

"𝑆𝑜 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑐𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝑒𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑓𝑓..." 𝐾𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑘𝑎 𝑠𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑒𝑑.

"𝐷𝑎𝑧𝑎𝑖-𝑠𝑎𝑛...𝑅𝑦𝑢𝑢𝑛𝑜𝑠𝑢𝑘𝑒...ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘𝑠 𝑢𝑝𝑡𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎 𝑙𝑜𝑡." 𝐻𝑖𝑔𝑢𝑐ℎ𝑖 𝑠𝑎𝑖𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑑𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑖𝑐𝑢𝑙𝑡𝑦.

"𝑇𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑖𝑡 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘𝑒𝑑 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑎𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑎𝑛 𝑒𝑥𝑐𝑢𝑠𝑒. 𝑆𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑔𝑖𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑎."

"𝑀𝑒𝑛 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑏𝑦 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑒."

"𝑊𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑤𝑜 𝑝𝑒𝑎𝑠 𝑖𝑛 𝑎 𝑝𝑜𝑑."

Dazai suddenly felt something warm slide down his cheeks. His heart felt like it was going to burst out.

There was a first time for everything, and for everything, that first time was the most dangerous. Dazai's heart had felt this constricted pain before. A lot of times.

Only that, he never got the chance to grieve. Neither did Atsushi. This was that first time.

Dazai wanted to scream and cry for the first time in a long while. He wanted to scream until his throat went sore. He wanted to cry until he couldn't cry anymore.

To hell with the fucking world. All he wanted was to find a reason to live. And he got it long ago, he just didn't realise it. Now when he did, it was too late.

He had a reason now, but at what cost?

It was never worth finding such a cost.

If this was the price to freedom from his pain, he would have never asked it, and would have ended everything a long time ago.

But he found people who became what he couldn't become himself, to him. He found people who would become something for him on his behalf.

And they were gone, many of them were gone. All that was left was the emptiness in the place of what they were to him.

The realisation finally hit Dazai. Again. Fully, with all its force. It had hit before. The impact of the waves just weren't hard enough and hadn't burst the dam yet.