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dear julian,
hi. happiest of birthdays to you, sweets. you're turning twenty-three today. god, you're right. we are getting old. you really weren't kidding when you made that promise to me, were you? the promise where you said we'd be able to grow older together. still, i couldn't have thought of any other person i'd rather be with right now in this moment than with you.
to be honest, i'm not sure if your actual birthday is today on december fourteenth. i know that's what you told me in the past, but both you & me know that a lot of things have changed once again this year. a lot of things that haven't been said before came out, a few lies as well. i'll just assume it is december fourteenth until you tell me differently. it's not been easy this year & it's safe to say we had our fair share of complications & drama. & believe me, i know my own insecurities played a part in that drama as well. something i'm still working on, together with a lot of other stuff. & still, here i am again today. on this date, every single year. over & over again. only for you.
i'm not sure if you'll be here today. i am. every single year i've been waiting for you to come back on this particular day. though, you never really did come back until a few days later. still, even if you come back later, i hope this letter will find you well then & you'll be able to read it with a smile on your face. it's okay if you show up & it's okay either if you don't. i just hope that one day, you'll be able to read those words i've left you & remember them for the years to come.
every time you disappear, i start to wonder how much time i have left, how much time we have left together. it makes me feel grateful once again that i'm able to spend another day with you whenever you're here like this. i never would've imagined that i would able to be here on your twenty-third birthday, five years later after we met, but i am & my heart feels warm knowing i'm able to be here for you now, only you. today is your day & i always hope it's a great one. since you never spent it here on the app, you must be having a really good birthday in real life, isn't it? it's what i hope for anyways.
a feeling in my stomach tells me that this year might be the last birthday of yours i'll ever be able to celebrate with you. call it a gut feeling, but i feel like next year will be it. the year one of us will likely leave. as much as those fears scare me, i'll try to stay strong & not let them get to me. just so i can have hope that my feeling is wrong & i'll have another year with you. so, how about we just make the most out of it with the time we have left?
today, it'll be exactly 2020 days since the day i met you (i'm in love with those apps that help me keep track on important dates like these, sue me), but who's counting? (i am, on that app) even though you weren't here for a lot of those days, in my mind & in my heart, you were. every single second. i think about you, every single day & sometimes, i'd find myself reading back some of the words you used to tell me in the past, i'd take one deep breath, close my eyes for one second & i'd go on with my day. but in that slight moment, that slight second, it's you who i'm thinking about. every single day. if it wasn't you who was physically here with me, then it would be your words & the memory of you that were.
