Here With You | ✔

- Here With You. Always. Cas

     Dear Dres,

     I'm writing this letter as I get ready to meet you in front of the alter on our wedding day. The metaphorical alter that is, since we are most definitely not getting married in a church right now. I decided that I would write this letter as a sort of homage to all of the writing that ultimately bought us back to each other. But you won't be receiving this today.

     Nope, if you're reading this, it's actually fifty years later. We're fucking old. You're probably rocking greys (imagining you with salt and pepper hair and holy fuck yes please) — so yeah, I'm saving this letter for when we're old and grey. I'll pass this to you in your little rocking chair, just out of the blue, and it'll be this gentle reminder of how far we've come. You'll need the reminder because I feel like you're going to be extra senile in your old age. You'll probably just pretend to be senile to get away with things, honestly.

     Here's the thing. The thing is.

     It feels like I've spent my whole life loving you, Dres. 

     That this is a feeling that didn't bloom, but has built over many lives. I've loved you in all my past lives and my soul will seek yours in all my lives to come.

    You may be rolling your eyes now. You've never felt all that deserving of my love. I know I've spent the last fifty years reminding you, though. At this point we should have kids we love with just as much fervor as we love each other and our lives are so full it feels like we maybe stole something from a god to make it happen.

     When I say you are more me than I am, what I mean is, you fill all my voids, Dres. It's like someone poured cement down my throat (you're the cement fyi) and its filled every corner and crevice, the spaces between my organs, gaps in my lungs. You're in the air I breathe, you're in all the best parts of me. In one of my favorite books, Bronte writes, "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

     That. That a million times.

     I don't believe in fate and I don't think everything happens for a reason. But I do believe we were always meant to be together and I think everything that bought us together and pulled us apart was a necessary part of our story, a necessary part of loving you. It is what makes our love, okay? It makes it stronger, and rawer, and truer than anything else in my life. It is how I know it's real.

     And yeah, okay, so it wasn't easy. We both had our own baggage and shit to comb through. And I know that I hurt you because you hurt me. And for a lot of people that would have been it. Game over.

     There's a reason why it wasn't for us. There's a reason why we fought to right things, to be in each others' lives. Because it's where we're supposed to be.

     I'd rather spend my whole freaking life fighting for a semblance of what we have than settling for something less. I'd go through it all again, every bit of pain and heartache, because it gets me here, today, where I'm moments away from walking down an aisle into your arms. Where I'll stay until my last dying breath. You outlive me in this life, don't forget that.

     So I guess this is my long winded way of saying: Dresden Gibson, I love you. So very much. There's no where else I want to be than here, with you. Always.

    Cas.