Dirty Thoughts

I need a Distraction

*sound of a notification on phone*

That caught me off guard. It is like 12 in the morning who's texting me. I reach over my bed to the side table to grab my phone.

*Reading off phone*

Darin: I like you.

Julianne: wtf

Darin: Meaning I want to date you.

Julianne: But we all know I have feelings for Cameron and Im loyal soo.. I'm sorry

Darin: He doesn't like you he hates you. Why do you keep hurting yourself. Really

Julianne: idk

Darin: I will make you happy.

Julianne: fine Fuck that asshole. I will give you a chance. Don't blow it.

Darin: :)

Julianne: I got to go to bed cya

Darin: Good Night

I went back to bed. Thinking this goes well. He is nice enough and cute. I love Cameron I really do. I fell for him last year during math class. He sat in front of me and he has curly hair so he would put his head down on my desk which was so cute. I use to mess with hair all the time. But ever since I told him how I felt he changed to an asshole. My friends didn't do anything and still treated him like a friend. I love my friends they can choose who to be friends with. But watch and let him treat me like dirt was not being a friend. I suffered every night. They were 2-faces with him they say they don't like him and he's a jerk for the way he treats me but befriend him and take his side when he is around hurting me. Oh I asked do you ever care to my friend and she said yes but why do you take to him. With atttuide she responsed I CA be friends with whoever I want. O so basically they are nice to them so its fine that he does that. I hate it. I even though about killing myself. I sit in my room with water in my left and the right pills. I would cry and cry. Why can't they help me. So I decided to punch him the next time he did so. I got crap for it. Oh he didn't deserve that or hitting wasn't right. He lied a about treating me like crap to the school and parents. I tried talking to my friend about why she is friends with him. She gave me crap and turned it around and making it about her. Then she called me selfish. I give so much for nothing and I'm still getting tortured. So I said yes to Darin so I can distract myself. I know its wrong to use him. But honestly I have nothing else. This pain of betrayal stabs my heart. I never lied but know one cared to believe me or understand. And I always believe and understand things I would never do. I'm tired of giving so much and not getting anything back. That's selfish but only a little but I'm human I need to be sometimes. I never put myself first and I need to or this is never going to end.