chelsea

as it was

Song by Harry Styles. 

The feeling of my stomach that I want to vomit keeps circling inside my head but yet I don't feel the urge to. It was the mixed up emotions and the fries from the Do's that's been bugging me. Or may have been this that I'm in at the very moment. It is a party where people that I've been avoiding are at. Well, it is a fashion show that competes within the sectors of their university. Mine wasn't a part of it to be honest, so why am I at a party that I wasn't even invited to be at?

Trickery. A fucking simple plan that I got caught on. It was a normal Friday night where I usually just hung out by myself. At that time, I was playing a MOBA game. While on the gameplay, one of my close friends told me that she wants to be with me this Sunday. It was pretty rare since they know that I won't be able to go because of strict rules in my household. They explained that quarantine has been lifted, and COVID-19 isn't a thing anymore, and my debt towards them. Not a hang-out debt but a money debt, exactly 500. It was a little bit sketchy but with the reminder of money debt is slowly pursuing me to just go and give it to them. Don't get me wrong, I like hanging out with them but the anxiety that I feel whenever I see people not wearing masks and sanitizing their hands infuriates me. Also, I was budgeting my expenses since my parents aren't home a lot and my siblings are god knows where, but you get the point. I'm alone. My ultimate excuse would be that I would just say that my parents won't allow it or that nobody is going to be at the house (seriously, what's the point of a lock and keys?) but I figured, I miss them.

With a reply away, I said, " Okay, I'll meet you there" and now that I'm here. I regret not using that excuse when indeed it was such a great getaway. " Hey, you pretty much changed!!" Someone yelled which made me look at him but it was weird, his face I couldn't see. It was morbid and eerie, he didn't have any face but just a plain white space. " Ye-yeah" I fake a small laugh, and motion my eyes down. Technically signalling for him to get the fuck out since I don't want to talk but he seems stupid. " So, what university are you now?" " I..uh... just the same university last year-"

" you should totally come back! We fucking missed you so much"

'If you missed me that much then maybe you did something to get my attention when the quarantine started' I want to say that but at the same time, it doesn't matter. Clearly, the reason why I left that university is because A. the money and B. the toxicity that I felt in being around these people. No, they just don't seem like human beings to me. The way they move their mouth and chatter insults that they portrayed to be a 'joke' was beginning to become a norm that they think that my body was an object to their own insecurities. " You seem lost quite a weight"

I did. Because i felt extremely insecure of the way I look every freaking year, it was just a same big fuck that creatures like to joke on and harassed. The fat in my body is thick layer of your stupid shits that mumble upon, that's why I'm trying to get myself clean. You know, sometimes the pain that comes after everything is like a drug. The more they give you pain, the more you get addicted and this insanity just keeps telling you this shit, ' You. fucking. Deserve. This ' It is mortifying.

Horrible. But slowly, your mind functions as the norm. Mental health being shit is alright since every human around me are like empty cans when it drops, they sound heavy. " Yeah" I replied, continuing looking down at my shoe. Dirty, so filthy that I want to scrub it back home. It was like my shoe knew what these people did to me, they did me dirty. But if I use this excuse, they would be angry at me. Like it was my fault, Everything is my fault. " Heyyyy, are you okay? You seem quiet" The friend that I owed 500 asked, but continued to chatter with my other friend. " Excuse me, " I stood up and walked an inch away from them. " I'll just go to the bathroom for a bit" , turn my back to them and move like there was some sort of earthquake. I walked swiftly while looking down at my shoes since I felt them looking at me, weirdly. While their own hands covering their mouths near their 'back-stabbing' partners, it was eerie. The way they fixed their eyes at me was like I was a prey, prey of talking shit. Do they have no decency? Why do I even give a fuck? I give a fuck because I want to prove my mind's insanity wrong. I give a fuck for my own being and letting the hallucinations leave me be. I give a fuck because I don't want my death to be their main source of murder. The most fucked-up murder is where people pity at you in your death bed. Not realizing that they were the murderer, remember suicide isn't mono. It actually is about you being burned alive while they watch you suffer and cry. They cry not because they regret but because of how humid their minds are, they just pity. And when you're dead, nobody gives a fuck afterwards. I form my hand into a fist and just hurry the fuck out. Like it seems like it was as it was, being a highschool bullied kid who they think accepts mediocre shits at. Within a few walks and turns, I finally reached my destination.