short encounters, long thoughts

looking back

you know.. looking back, it really was stupid.
all that time and thought I used, useless now.

you really were just a friend in my eyes at first.
for how many years, it stayed like that.

until it didnt.

he came into your life because of me (well not really.. oh well connections are complicated)
and it made me question and rethink things.

was it because I was possessive? was it really just that?
or was it really because of the person you were?
i mean we were all growing up and changing, so what was new?

i never really dwelled on it,
because i jumped into conclusions.

but before that, it was contemplation.
all these stupid questions, with one answer i was so blind to see.

my mind was like a broken switch.
on and off and on and off and on and off.
it kept going on until i made up my mind.

i knew what i felt.
it was clear.
and i hated the fact i was so careless.

looking back, i'd pretend to support you guys,
when in reality i was just hurting inside.

all those moments when you'd ask if I was okay and i'd say i was just tired,
those were times when it hit me most,
that i'd never have you.

it's because of all the mixed signals that made me think,
i had a chance.

now i sit and think about it,
and im glad this is the present.

no longer crying over you.
my mind free of your name.

sure, things could've been different,
but im no time traveller.

i realize,
its your most stupid moments that you learn from.

i have how many more interactions to think about,
at least youre gone from it.

i feel bad for those i hurt during that time,
now i know what to do,
and know whether something is worth it or not.

ill be honest...

you were not.

and im satisfied.

you've changed.
youre new.
i dont recognize you anymore.

youre not the same person i had feelings for.

your whole personality, priorities, and EVERYTHING.

its so unfamiliar.
but i saw it coming.

so nows the part where I feel we slowly drift away.
no bad feelings and all.
we end on a good note.
a memorable one.

looking back, it all happened for a reason.

sure there's some trauma in me,
but its done and ill get over it some day.

i hate myself for whats happened.
but again,
its over.

ill just wait and trust the process.

my delusions will keep me both stable and unstable anyways lol.

(G)

12/19/23
hi future self! im so happy (i want to die). i have 2 papers due in a few hours... *cue applause* and another paper for school, AND a portfolio. i want to cry so bad but WTF IS THAT GNA DO... please tell me its over by the time u read this. i hope ur happier and doing better. ur mind could be doing better lololol. right now its hard. all the work bruh and mentally, im sure its not even comparable lmao. ur mind a mess right now is all i can say. i need a cleanse bro. i hate school its literal hell over here. i hate g**gle docs <3. what if i just die! i aint gonna but i wouldnt mind ykyk. ANYWAYS that was tmi... so make sure things are better there and stay alive :) keep going and stay strong. you're closer than u were before. bye i have to work or ill die T-T .