The Ridiculously Random Adventures of Mr. Sassy

Lost in the Mall

"Awwww yesss." Mr. Sassy moaned as he rubbed a thin flannel shirt between his fingers in admiration. He relished the way it felt in his childlike hands. He closed his eyes in lust and whispered into the fabric, "So beautiful..."

"Excuse me, sir? Can I help you?"

Mr. Sassy jumped in alarm and turned around fast, eyes widening in response to some lady staring at him in utter disapproval. He slowly moved the shirt away from his face and set it down on the table. The woman's frown bore into his soul like a nail being drilled into a plank of wood. He uncomfortably looked at his red shoes to avoid eye contact. "Uhhhh, no?"

"Alright. Men's clothes are over there, if you're wondering." she pointed to a large wall to Mr. Sassy's right and walked away.

"Okay..." Mr. Sassy returned to feeling the soft flannel shirts. He imagined wearing it every day for the rest of his life. Bathing in it, sleeping in it, getting married in it, being buried in it. The perfect shirt. He then decided that he absolutely had to have one. 

Or twelve. He scooped up every shirt his thin little arms could carry and plopped them down on the checkout counter in triumph. 

"I'd like to purchase these fine flannels, pleeease." Mr. Sassy drawled, employing his best cowboy imitation to charm the attractive cashier lady. 

She smiled and began scanning the tags. "You must really like plaid, huh?"

Mr. Sassy wiggled his eyebrows (which, of course, were totes on fleek) and said ever so softly, "Plaid isn't the only thing I like."

The woman laughed politely while scanning the last shirts. "Your total is 392 dollars and 40 cents."

Mr. Sassy smiled cheekily until he pulled out his wallet and discovered a mere 32 dollars in it. On the inside he panicked. What would happen to him? Would he have to abandon the only chance of happiness he would ever have besides Twinkies and reality TV? Then, Mr. Sassy remembered the credit card his parents had given him for emergency use a few months before they kicked him out. Awwww yesss.  On the outside, he smiled even broader while sliding out the blue credit card and handing it to the woman. 

After being prompted, he entered the pin and soon after, the whole world was resting in his hands bundled up in shopping bags.

"Thank you." Mr. Sassy said politely.

"Come back soon." The woman smiled briefly.

"Oh, I will." Mr. Sassy winked and strutted away like a sassy, attractive underwear model, hoping the woman was watching.

After exiting the store, Mr. Sassy spotted a hair salon a few doors down. The name read "Fab Hair". On the windows were images of happy-looking people with, in fact, fab hair. Mr. Sassy imagined what he would look like with such majestic locks paired with his new flannels. He would be unstoppable.

"Looks juicy!" Mr. Sassy exclaimed before punching the air and skipping dreamily through the door. 

He sat in the waiting area for like twenty minutes just observing all the attractive people interacting with each other. Then some lady grabbed his shoulder and led him to a chair in front of a mirror. 

"Sit, sit, darling. I'm Sandra and I will be your stylist today." 

Mr. Sassy eagerly sat in the chair. "Hey! You can call me Mr. Sassy."

"Ooh, I like that! What would you like, honey?" Sandra asked, combing through Mr. Sassy's soft brown hair. 

"Make me look... fabulous."

Sandra grinned with amusement. "I know just the style for you."