Do You Know Me?

Fall From Grace

Jade's POV

"What do you mean you asked her about the roses?!" I yell into the phone.

"I'm sorry, Jade, I didn't know I'd said anything until the words came out!" Cat whimpers "please don't rip out my eyes or my teeth!" I growl in frustration. Normally, I'd cut my little friend some slack for having loose lips, since she's not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, but this is different. This is important. My feelings for Tori are the one thing that I myself have to tell her about. Nobody else gets to ruin this for me, not even Cat.

"Cat, I swear to god, next time I see you, I'm not just gonna rip out your eyes or your teeth," I begin. I hear her give a sigh of relief.

"Phew, well that's good to hear-" She starts.

"I'LL RIP OUT YOUR HAIR TOO, STRAND BY LITTLE RED STRAND!" I scream into the phone and immediately hang up. I sit on my couch and mutter every curse word I can think of, angry at myself for calling Cat and asking her to help me pick out a bouquet to bring to Vega's house last night. I haven't been to school at all this week. Between losing Beck and being unable to tell Vega how much I love her, it feels like I've completely given up. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. Suddenly, my phone buzzes.

It's Vega.

I open my messages to see that she sent me something earlier this morning. I slept in for most of the day today, so I must've missed it.

Tori, 8:27 am: Hey Jade? Just wanted to see how you're doing? Everyone's wondering where you are

Tori, 5:42 pm: Jade?

I quickly answer her.

Me: Yes?

Tori: Yay, you're alive! :)

Me: Whatever Vega

Tori: So, how're you feeling?

I start to feel myself growing angry at her question. I don't want to feel anything right now, but reading her words makes every emotion I've worked so hard to beat down slowly begin to resurface. I feel guilty for leading Beck on. I feel angry at myself for handling our breakup poorly and for not being able to tell Tori how I really feel. There's a hint of joy in the mix, as I know that Tori still seems to care about me and is still talking to me, even though I closed myself off from the rest of the world this entire week. There's an overwhelming sense of fear and dread as well as I think about the future. What will happen to Beck? Even though we're no longer together, I still care about him. What will happen to Tori? Will I miss my chance to show her my love? What if, what if what if...

The feelings are overwhelming. I feel a few tears roll down my cheek as I try to think of something to type. It's just too much.

Me: :(

I can't come up with the right words to say, so I send her a little emoji, hoping to get my message across. I see 3 little dots appear on my screen as she types. My anxiety goes through the roof as I wait to see what she'll say.

Tori: Do you want to come over?

I sit up a little straighter at her invitation and immediately begin to type.

Me: I'll be there in 20

I quickly get up and go back to my room to change out of my PJs and into some proper clothes, and to freshen up a little. The drive to Tori's house doesn't normally take too long, but there's some construction happening on the main road which means I have to take a detour. This worsens my already sour mood, as it means I have to be away from her for an extra minute or two. I finally arrive at the Vega residence. I let myself in, not even bothering to knock. I need to be with Tori. I need to be with her now . Upon entering, I see 2 very startled Vega parents sitting on the couch in the dark, staring back at me. They're watching an old black and white movie.

"Tori's up in her room," Mrs. Vega says, a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

"Thank you," I reply, bluntly. I make my way up the stairs. The door to Tori's room is cracked open enough for me to see that she's sitting on her bed looking at her phone, but not enough for her to notice me out here in the hallway. Careful not to repeat what I'd just done downstairs upon entering her house, I gently knock on the door.

"Who is it?" I hear her call.

"Me," I reply, as I poke my head through the doorway. Tori's face lights up as soon as she sees me and motions for me to come in. I close the door behind me as I enter and take a look around. Not much has changed since I've been here last. The only other time I've been in Vega's room was when a TV crew wanted her, Beck, Andre and I to star in a show called "The Wood". I smirk to myself, mildly amused to see that there are still a lot of things in here.

"I missed you," Tori says softly, as she gets up from the bed and pulls me in for a hug. I hug back without hesitation as I feel every negative emotion begin to melt away. I hold onto her tightly, knowing that if I let go, I will start to cry. It's funny how I've ended up like this, in Vega's arms, afraid to let go. I don't know whether or not my emotions are stronger, or if I'm just allowing myself to feel things more often, but being friends with her has brought out a much softer, more openly emotional side to me that, while I may not fully understand it yet, I'm slowly learning to embrace.

"I missed you too," I say, burying my face in her shoulder as usual. I feel her sigh before pulling away from me. A wave of cold replaces the spots where her body was pressed against mine. I feel a few tears begin to form at the corners of my eyes. I blink carefully to make sure they don't show. Tori leads me to her bed, as we sit down together.

"So, how's everyone at school doing?" I ask.

"They're fine but worried about you," she says. She reaches over to rub slow circles into my back. I like it when she does that. It's very soothing.

"They don't have to worry about me," I say "I'm coming back next week."

"I'm glad to hear that!" Tori says, as she smiles at me "It'll be good to have you back." I smile back a little, happy to give her some good news.

"I hate to admit it, but it'll be good to be back," I say "But enough about me and everyone else. How are you doing?"

"I'm alright, feeling happier now that I have my friend with me," Tori giggles. Instead of being happy with her, I feel a sharp pain in my chest upon hearing that word: friend . It pierces through my heart and twists itself like a knife. Despite my inner pain, I put on my best happy-smirk and chuckle with her. Suddenly, her phone buzzes.

"Who is it?" I ask as she picks it up to see who's texting her.

"It's..." Tori doesn't say a name, but judging by her sudden change in demeanour, I know exactly who it is.

Beck...

"What does he want?" I ask, annoyed.

"He..." Tori sighs and puts her phone down, turning to face me. She's looking in my direction. But she won't look me in the eye. I take this as a sign that I'm not going to like whatever she's going to say next. "He and I went to Skybucks today, and he's asking if I want to do it again."

My eyes widen as I feel a wave of fear, shock, and anger wash over me. Amidst the raging storm of emotions swirling around inside of me, I feel my heart shatter. I pull away from her and get up to leave. I don't think I can stay here without seriously hurting this girl.

NO! NONONONONONO! This isn't how it's supposed to be! Tori and Beck aren't supposed to be together! It's supposed to be me! ME! Gah, this is all my fault!

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, TORI VEGA IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME!

"Jade, I-I'm sorry," Tori begins to apologize profusely, grabbing my arm. I tear her off of me and simply begin walking out of her house. I can't even look at her anymore.

"Jade!" I hear her call out to me as she follows from a distance. "Jade, please, come back! I'm sorry!" The last thing I hear before slamming her front door behind me is the sound of her beginning to cry. If I wasn't so hurt, I would've marched back into that house and held her, kissed her, and done anything she wanted until her tears stopped. But I don't feel like doing that right now. I hop into my car and drive away, not even bothering to put on my seatbelt.

As I drive home, I secretly wish one of the cars on the other side of the road would drive over the centre line and put me out of my misery.