Heartbreaker

F O R T Y S I X

A couple of days later it was the day of Harry's funeral.

All morning I've felt off. Although my routine was the same as it normally is. I straightened my hair, pulled it back into a half up half down look, picked out the same black dress that I've worn once before, along with the same stockings.

See how I'm pretending not to know what the reason is?

I do, know what the reason is. But I'm trying really hard not to surface those feelings. Especially today.

Because I was going through the motions at this point. It all felt the same. We lost yet another important person to us. And it never gets any easier.

A warm hand tightened around mine. It snapped me out of my thoughts, and I realized that it was my turn to lay a singular red rose onto his dark coffin.

My stomach tightens as I got closer. The heels I was wearing sink into the soft wet ground as I approach it. I slightly bend down, lying the rose next to the others that were already there.

I pull my black cardigan closer to my body, returning back to my seat. I meet Paul's eyes, and know that it was his turn now. He follows in my footsteps repeating the same motion that I just did.

He takes my hand once again when he sits down. The warmness comforting me more than I thought, which seems to happen a lot.

Today felt like deja vu. In the worst way possible. The dark green canopy shields the soft rain that fell from the sky. Almost as if the universe knew how sad today was going to be. Along with the coffin that sat in the middle, over an empty space in the ground, awaiting to be lowered after we say our goodbyes.

I couldn't help but think about my mom. Not in a selfish way, because today was truly about the Clearwater's. But, because reliving this moment brought me back to a time that I tried to push very far back into my head.

Her grave was just down the way. Plot number two twenty eight. That number is permanently burned into my head. Whenever I see it, it's almost like her way of saying hi to me. Or reminding me that she was still with me.

Sniffles were heard as Sue got up last. She laid a white rose down onto the coffin, touching the outside for a moment to say her final goodbye.

My eyes water at the sight. I look away, trying my hardest not to let the tears spill. But my eyes somehow find their way to her grave. I could see it from here, sticking out from the rest. It was calling my name.

I swallow hard as I look back at Sue. A singular tear drips from my eye, and I reach to quickly wipe it away. She raises a tissue to her nose as she hangs her head low. While walking back to her seat, Seth helps her sit down. He wraps an arm around her as the priest in front of us says a few final words.

Paul's thumb swipes back and forth on top of my hand. Reminding me once again that he was here for me, which was nice. I've never been comforted like this about such a dark topic.

When the burial ceremony ended, everyone was told that we were welcome back at Sue's for a lunch. Most start to go back to their cars, that were all lined up on the pavement a couple yards away. However, I felt as though I needed some space before I got back into the car.

"I'll be right back," I told Paul.

"Are you okay?" He asks, not letting go of my hand until I answered.

"I'm fine, I just, need to do something before I leave," I explain, unlatching his fingers from mine.

I begin to walk toward plot two twenty eight. The anticipation was eating me alive as I did. I felt guilty for not returning back here in a long time. But every time I did, I felt like I was a hot mess.