Broken Man 1: Rest In Medellin

10

Promise

The car left.

Naiwan akong tulala habang pinapanood na manliit sa aking paningin ang sasakyan nina Astrid.

The skies were already pitch black but I don't feel like I'm in the dark somehow. I feel lightheaded and... happy. I'm happy at the moment. I never thought I'd feel this again.

For years, I have been so empty.

For years, I have been so empty.

Fuck.

My face crumpled at the realization. At halos murahin ko na ang sarili dahil doon ko pa lamang napansin na kanina pa pala ako nakangiti. I massaged my jaw, it hurt a bit.

Why are you smiling? Why are you happy, Ivan? You can't be!

Paulit ulit kong kinastigo ang sarili. I took several deep inhales and exhales. Namaywang ako at tumingala sa madilim na langit.

Dilim.

Tama. This is where I fucking belong.

Her sweet smiles.

Her enticing giggles.

Her soft voice.

Her hair swaying as she runs away from me in a field full of flowers.

Me running after her.

I caught her wrist then pulled her into my arms.

She laughed more. I laughed with her.

We were laying on the grass. I laid on my back while she laid beside me. Nakatagilid at nakaharap sa akin.

I picked out a dandelion beside me. Itinaas ko iyon at hinipan. The single strands surrounding the yellow flower flew away, spreading through the air. I watched it blend through the orange hues of the sky above us.

She chuckled beside me.

"I love you, Ivan."

I smirked. Kaagad akong humarap sa kaniya.

"And I love you more."

"Ako lang?"

"Ikaw lang. Habambuhay." I promised.

Habambuhay...

I promised.

I fucking promised.

Fuck.

Mariin akong napapikit.

You're happy, Ivan, really? You don't deserve to be happy! You killed her, you don't deserve to be fucking happy!

Bumigat ang paghinga ko. Ramdam ko ang pagsikip ng aking dibdib at unti unting binalot ng galit at lungkot ang puso ko.

I opened my eyes then I met the pitch black night sky.

Dark.

Darkness.

This is where I fucking belong.

I belong to this darkness and emptiness.

I'm sorry, babe...

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at pilit na binura ang nag aambang mga luha. I clenched my fists at my sides as my throat constricted with unbearable pain.

"Ivan," malamyos na tinig ni mommy ang nagpagising sa akin galing sa malalim na pag iisip.

Kumurap ako ng ilang beses, huminga nang malalim at pilit kinalma ang sarili.