It was Jesper, Nina, and Inej that told me about the Grisha waiting for our services the next morning. It was them who told me that Alina needed help. That Nikolai was asking for me. It was them who told me Kaz had told the Grisha that I was not an option.
'Not an option?' I say, angry.
'I know,' Jesper sighs. 'I have no idea where he could've gotten that from.'
Nina was removing Inej's Menagerie tattoo and I sighed. 'Half tempted to get rid of my Dregs tattoo.'
'Is that my hat!?'
Jesper stomps over to the other side of the room and picks up a hat. Inej shakes her head.
'You hate that hat,' I say. 'Why wouldn't he tell me about a job for the Sun Summoner? That's where he wanted me to go. To help Alina and Nikolai. And what? Now that he's going, I'm not aloud to?'
'Because he'd rather push you away than admit he feels anything for you,' Nina shrugs.
Inej smirks, Jesper looks surprised, and I stare at her. People have made jokes, sure. But Kaz Brekker doesn't do feelings. He told me as much last night. Nina looks up at us.
'Oh, was I not supposed to say that out loud?'
Jesper sits down. 'I, for one, am glad that you did.' Nina chuckles and Jesper puts on the hat just to immediately take it off. 'Yeah, I hate this hat.' He sighed and focused on me. 'Listen, I don't know what happened between you two, because no one in this bloody band of broken dolls can confab worth a damn. But I know Kaz. And I know you. And Inej and I thought you would at least like to know why we were doing this. For your country. For your peace of mind.'
'For your Saint,' Inej adds, quietly. 'For your demons.'
Inej slowly held out her hand to me. Her now very clear hand with little to no Menagerie tattoo. I ran my finger across her wrist and let myself smile.
'He's back?' I asked Nina.
Nina nods. 'He is. Stronger than ever.'
Jesper stood up and pulled me to his side. 'This is personal for you. Nattie, you deserve to come with us. If you choose to.'
Nina and Inej stand.
'Think about it,' Inej whispers, squeezing my shoulder.
The two girls were gone with matching smiles. I lean more into Jesper with a sigh. Kirigan was supposed to be dead. And now he was creating shadow monsters that can only be defeated with Alina's light and a sword made by a Saint.
'What happened?' Jesper said, pulling away to look at me. 'Between you two? When we left the Emerald Palace, everything seemed fine.'
I shrug. 'He said I was out. He said that just because he's given me some kind words doesn't mean he needs me. Doesn't mean I'm his in any capacity. He said what he told Pekka was true. That he didn't care, and he wouldn't let anything in.'
'Bullshit,' Jesper said, comfortingly. 'You know it's bullshit.'
'I know,' I nod. 'Jesper, I've been following after him for four years. I'm going with you because Nikolai needs me. But... what are we doing? With him?'
Jesper was quiet for a moment. 'I guess... we're looking for honey and hoping we won't get stung.'
'I got stung, Jes. And... I think I'm done waiting around.'
Jesper squeezes my arm. 'Good. Don't wait for him. You have a soon to be king waiting on you.'
I smile softly. 'This isn't about Nikolai. It's about... Me and Kaz are too broken for each other and before now we've been too addicted to leave. But Kaz wants his weakness gone and that's the one thing I can actually give him. If leaving is what he wants, then that's what I'm going to do. After we help Alina.'
Jesper nods. 'I understand. You will always be the Venom, Nattie. Don't forget that.'
My body still hurt, and my emotions were so strong, and that's what I'm blaming the tears on. That's what I'm blaming almost the full body sobs on. Jesper had never seen me cry before. I do it in my room. Away from everyone. But I couldn't help it. Jesper wrapped his arms around me, and he let me sob into his chest.
I didn't cry for long. Maybe five minutes at most. Kirigan was alive. Nikolai was in danger. I was leaving. When I pulled away from Jesper, put back together, and thoroughly embarrassed, Jesper only smiled.
'You've got a home here, always,' he whispered. 'Ready to face him?'
I sigh, but nod. 'Now or never.'
I was nervous walking down the steps behind Jesper. Kaz and I locked eyes in a second, but I just stuck my chin up and kept walking into the main area with Jesper. Kaz met us halfway.
'I see you couldn't help yourself, Jes,' Kaz said, handing Jesper a piece of paper.
Jesper gave me a look as he took the paper and walked over to Wylan. Kaz looked at me for a second.
'You aren't a Crow anymore and you have your freedom. Why would this be what you choose to do with your life?'
'I'm not here for you,' I say. 'I'm here for Nikolai and Alina. And you should've told me.'
'So much for not wanting to go back there. For not regretting it.'
I clench my jaw. 'I'll secure my own passport.'
I walk past him and go straight to Inej, fury almost clouding my vision. Back in Ravka, when I told Kaz I didn't regret coming to Ketterdam, we had bared our souls to each other. He had no right to throw that in my face. He was the one that kicked me out of the Dregs. Out of the Crows. He was the one that was pushing me away.
Inej laid a comforting hand on my elbow, but I barely registered it. I had to secure my own passport. I didn't have time for any more emotions.
