We slow as we come up on a red light.
"So... where are we going?" I ask
"You'll see" He answers.
He makes a left turn. As we continue down the road, fewer and fewer cars are seen. Finally, he slows into a small parking lot with no cars in sight.
"We're here!" He announces.
This time, I open the door for myself and step out onto the asphalt, breathing in the chilling night air.
We begin walking through the park, treading slowly over gravel paths. Our steps synchronize at a steady pace, but my heart is still beating rapidly.
The moon's glow brightens his side profile, eyes gazing down at the path before us and a subtle smile painted on his face. I didn't think about how difficult it would be to spend all this time with him, him whom I don't know all that well. I didn't calculate the struggle of pretending to date him, but making sure he knows I'm pretending. In my head, I'm not pretending. Not at all.
"So, why this park?" I ask, "I mean- it's a very nice park! Really! Just... why this one?"
"My house is near here, so I come here a lot" he answers.
"Cool, cool"
He exhales deeply, "but, I guess it also means a lot to me because it's the only place I can be..." he pauses in thought, "myself"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's not like I'm not myself with others, like at school, but I'm not fully honest either" he elaborates, "I'm still trying to make people like me. Still trying to hold up the expectations on me"
I think about it for a second. Expectations, what expectations? Isn't he perfect?
So I ask, "What expectations are on you?"
He goes silent. Was that the wrong thing to ask? He sighs, "I don't know"
"I mean, what image do you have to hold up? You're already perfect. Everyone likes you"
"That image. The image of this perfect guy with perfect friends and perfect grades and... and," he stops, "and a perfect dad"
Wrong thing to say! I keep my eyes away from him.
I start, "sorry, I didn't know"
"No, it's okay, you wouldn't," he replies, "I just can't imagine anyone looking at me and thinking I'm perfect. I'm such a mess" he laughs.
"You seem perfect to me. Seriously, your hair is better than mine and I spend so long each morning styling it" I joke.
"I do have that," he chuckles.
"You absolutely don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable with it," I say, "but what did you mean when you were talking earlier? About your friends and your dad?"
"Oh," he pauses.
"It's okay if you don't-"
"No, it's fine. I uh-, my dad gets mad because my grades aren't the best, but it's not like I'm being lazy. I guess it doesn't help that I'm trying to pursue music, he never was one for art. Always thought it was a waste of money"
"I'm sorry. That's hard, he just doesn't understand where you're coming from" I reply. I wouldn't have expected that, I can't even believe he's okay with telling me all this!
"It's just... do you ever feel like people don't understand you? Like they don't even try?" He asks, looking at me. We make eye contact. And this time, I don't break it.
"Yes" I answer, "all the time. Whenever I talk to others at school, they never really let me in"
"Really?" He asks.
"Yeah. Everyone just kinda assumes that I don't want friends. But even when I try, they never really... get me."
"Exactly. My friends don't either" He says.
"What about Yeonjun? You seemed like you were great friends earlier"
"I mean, I enjoy talking to him. But I feel like... he has better friends than me"
"Aren't you all one friend group?" I question.
"We all hang out together at school" he says, "but... I feel like I don't quite fit in with them. Like if I keep my head down, they let me tag along. But I-, I try not to be too much myself because I don't know if they'd like me if they really knew me"
"Maybe I would" I said, though it came out more as a question.
He glanced at me in shock, before it settled in a smile.
"Maybe"
-------
As we reach my front door, I pause and turn to him. He stops on the steps to the deck.
"I had a good time" I say.
He looks down as his lips tilt up, "yeah, I'm really glad we did this"
"I know that we were just doing this as pretend," I whisper, "but I think this is the first time, in a long time, that I've really had fun with-, with a friend"
He looks into my eyes for the last time that night, and as his lips part slightly, he says, "yeah, me too"
YOU ARE READING
Just Pretend
Fanfiction"I've never said that to anyone before, but I love you. There, I said it. I'd break every single rule for you, but you can't tell me that after everything, we were only just pretend." Choi Beomgyu x Reader
